WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the announcement that she was finally retiring from the U.S. Congress and would not seek reelection in 2026, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi prepared herself for a sad future of outsider trading.

Having long been in the privileged position of using her status as a Washington power player to pad her impressive stock portfolio, Pelosi was now faced with the grim reality of having to trade stocks without insider info just like a regular peasant.

“It’ll be the total opposite of what I’m used to,” Pelosi reportedly told her aides. “Once I retire from public office, I’ll be forced to trade stocks blindly, just like the rest of the schmucks and peons I’ve governed for the last four decades. It’s beneath me, honestly. How am I supposed to make millions of dollars off of shady stock trades now?”

Once source close to Pelosi said that the soon-to-be-former congresswoman would be in for a rude awakening. “She’s made off like a bandit for a long time,” the insider said. “I think she’s under the impression that making millions in the stock market is really easy, but that’s just because she’s been guilty of insider trading this whole time. As an outsider, she’s going to have a hard time. It might drive her to drinking. Or, more drinking than she already does, I mean. Which is a lot.”

At publishing time, Pelosi had also resigned herself to having to pay for her own booze instead of just swiping bottles from the Capitol liquor cabinet.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.