Someone once observed that Democrats are evil, whereas Republicans are stupid. As a Republican, I really wish I didn’t have to acknowledge the truth of that statement. But after suffering through the GOP primaries thus far, what choice do I have?

Frankly, I don’t object to the contenders going after each other with axe handles. That’s what primaries are for. Every contender should have ample opportunity to besmirch the other guy’s generally sleazy reputation. How else will we be able to find out the awful truth before the general election rolls around and we hear it from the opposition?

After all, on the important issues, such as an abolition of ObamaCare, removing all of those absurd EPA regulations stifling business, rebuilding the military and lowering taxes, they’re pretty much in agreement. The only exception, of course, is squirrely Ron Paul, who never allows one of his naps to be interrupted by nightmares involving a nuclear Iran.

The bone I have to pick with the RNC concerns the way they conduct primaries. For one thing, any state should be allowed to set its own date for a primary. It is beyond stupid that the world has to stop for weeks at a time just so that a few thousand people can gather for a little caucus in Iowa and an election involving less than a million people can be held in New Hampshire.

Only a Party of dunces would punish major states such as Michigan and Florida for moving up the dates of their primaries by slashing their number of delegates to the national convention in half.

By the time the election rolls around, I guarantee we’ll all be far more interested in the vote totals in Florida and Michigan than those coming out of Iowa and New Hampshire.

This is especially the case after Iowa proved that they can take two weeks to count up a handful of votes and still manage to get it wrong.

Next, we come to those other states that hold caucuses that are referred to as beauty contests because the winner doesn’t collect any delegates, but merely gets to brag about his meaningless victory until the next actual primary rolls around.

Perhaps the dumbest decision of the RNC is to hold what are known as open primaries. It’s bad enough when neither Party has an incumbent in the race, as occurred in 2008 when the 22nd Amendment prevented George Bush from running a third time. However, when there is an incumbent, as there is now, why would you allow Democrats to muddy the waters by voting in GOP elections? Does anyone at Republican headquarters really think they will vote for the candidate who is likely to wage the strongest campaign against Obama?

If in spite of the idiocy displayed by the RNC, a Republican wins the November election, there are a few things, aside from the most obvious, such as the deep-sixing of ObamaCare, I have on my wish list. To begin with, I would like to see English finally made the official language of this country, meaning we would never again print a ballot in Urdu, Mongol or Tagalog. Photo IDs would be required in order to vote and confirmation of one’s legal status through E-Verify would be required for those seeking employment.

I would also want every war we engage in to be officially declared, and a sacred vow that we will never again expend blood or treasure protecting one group of blood-thirsty Muslims from another. I also want it written into law that we will never re-build a nation at the same time we are at war with it. We seem to have forgotten how to wage war since 1945, and I suggest it’s high time our leaders, both political and military, went back and studied how it was done.

Next, I want as many departments of government as possible to be done away with as soon as possible. At the very least, no more meddling in matters of education and health care; no more sticking its nose into those things well outside its constitutional purview such as abortions and food stamps. It is high time Washington got out of the social-engineering business.

If, after all that, the federal government finds itself with time on its hands, it can start protecting the border, which, incidentally, is one of its few constitutionally-authorized responsibilities, although you wouldn’t know it judging by our past five presidents.

I would like the oil companies to be allowed to drill in Alaska, off the coastline and everywhere else there is oil lurking. While I wouldn’t forbid the oil giants from selling oil overseas, I would insist that in exchange for those precious oil leases, in addition to a generous royalty, a large enough supply of oil remained here in America to guarantee a price not to exceed, say, $2.25-a-gallon.

I’m sure the oil companies would start screaming about restricting the free market, but I would point out that they never bring up the sanctity of the free market when they’re asking for federal subsidies or during all those decades when they saved billions of tax dollars, thanks to the patently corrupt oil depreciation allowance.

To conservatives not engaged in the oil business who would still feel uneasy about restricting the not so free market, I would point out that the companies don’t own the land and nobody would think of compelling them to pay for the leases and drill for the oil. If they decide it would be an unprofitable undertaking, they simply wouldn’t make the deal. No hard feelings. But I suspect they would not only sign, but let us keep the fountain pen.

Finally, I keep hearing Obama condemn Republicans for playing politics. Of course we Republicans know that Obama only stops playing politics in order to play a few rounds of golf. But even his own groupies should take a break from their idol worshipping long enough to consider the fact that when the battle over raising the debt limit was going on, their guy didn’t threaten to stop payments to illegal aliens, members of Congress or welfare recipients. He did not threaten to cut off food stamps or stop paying those thousands of employees he added to the federal payroll. And he sure as heck didn’t tell Michelle she’d have to stop taking all those pricey trips at our expense.

Instead, this left-wing paragon of virtue threatened to stop sending checks out to Social Security recipients and retired veterans.

Whoever ends up being his GOP opponent should keep in mind when he gets in the ring with Obama that he came to us straight from the sewers of Chicago. Therefore, whether it’s Rocky Romney or Kid Santorum, he should be sure to watch out for eye-gouges, kidney punches and head-butts in the clinches.

And whatever else he does, he should never leave home without his cup.