I swear I tried to sit through all the speeches at the Democratic convention. As it turned out, I couldn’t make it through a single one. I watched a few minutes of Michelle Obama’s and Mayor Castro’s and a few seconds of Elizabeth Warren’s before throwing in the towel. I actually found myself sitting through a half-hour’s worth of Clinton’s magnum opus, but gave up when I realized I had no idea if he was at the halfway mark or was merely getting started.

My overall reaction was that if someone had only thought to bring bread to the Convention, they could have made sandwiches for thousands with all the baloney on display.

Even though I couldn’t stomach all the lies and insults directed at Republicans, I came away with a number of impressions. It all began on the days leading up to the Charlotte event when Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley first went on a Sunday news show and admitted that the American people were not better off than they were four years ago, and then turned up the next day insisting that of course the American people were better off. He might as well have said, “Who are you going to believe? Me or me?” And, best of all, you could barely see the bruises left by David Axelrod’s blackjack.

I also got a kick out of Obama’s giving himself an “Incomplete” when asked to grade his administration. When I was at UCLA, I only knew two guys who received “incompletes” at the end of a semester. In one case, the kid had come down with mononucleosis just before the finals. The other time, a friend of mine, an orthodox Jew, couldn’t take a couple of tests because they conflicted with Rosh Hashanah. So, my question to Barack is: what’s your excuse? Do you have mono or are you Jewish?

As you may have heard, there was reportedly an infestation of bed bugs at several of the Charlotte hotels. No word as to whether they were native to North Carolina or if the liberals had brought them to town. For the Democrats, the good news is that thousands of them are now registered to vote for Obama in November.

After Clinton’s speech, I heard several pundits in the throes of orgasmic rapture insisting it was the greatest speech they’d ever heard. Or at least since Michelle Obama had delivered her own version of the Sermon on the Mount the day before. Some went so far as to claim that Clinton had cinched Obama’s victory. My question is whether any of them is prepared to put his money where his mouth is. No, I didn’t think so.

Speaking of Mrs. Obama, she said that Republicans are the sort of people who climb the ladder of success and then slam the door on others. When I heard that, I wondered if one of us had been drinking. I mean, what ladder ends with a door? Apparently, she has even less experience climbing ladders than I, who suffer from vertigo, do. Or, perhaps she actually thinks that hard-working Republicans put in all that time and effort to achieve success just so they can wind up in someone’s attic.

I watched enough of the convention to have heard that the one thing that all Americans have in common is that we belong to the government. I forget who said it, but apparently he was laboring under the delusion that he was addressing, not the Democratic convention, but the State Council of the People’s Republic of China. On second thought, perhaps he wasn’t as confused as I thought.

After all, this was the group that had to go through three voice votes before Convention chairman Antonio Villaraigosa decided that “God” and “Jerusalem” would be shoehorned into the Party Platform. Some cynics said even on the third go-around, the “Ayes” didn’t come close to achieving the required two-thirds vote. But it’s my theory that Villaraigosa, who’s not terribly bright, figured that it was okay to add the first two votes to the third one in order to reach the required number.

The real problem with Democratic politicians isn’t that they lie, but that they do it so badly that even the nitwits who vote for them know they’re lying. For instance, everyone realizes that Democrats, from the president on down, are so deep into the pockets of the teachers union that they risk being buried in lint, never send their kids to public schools in Washington, D.C. Whenever they pay homage to the glory of public education, you can bet they have their fingers crossed and their own offspring safely ensconced in private schools.

And let us not forget that the same people who whine about the hardship that photo IDs pose for young people, blacks and Hispanics, insisted that photo IDs be required for all the conventioneers seeking to enter the Time Warner Cable Arena. Apparently, if you’re a left-winger, it only makes sense that attending an event that features the likes of Sandra Fluke, Emanuel Cleaver and Valerie Jarrett (aka Ms. Rasputin), is a sacred privilege, whereas voting in a presidential election should be open to everyone, including illegal aliens, convicted felons and the deceased.

The Democrats were so desperate to make their convention look jam-packed on TV, they rented a much smaller hall than the one the GOP used in Tampa. Even then, they had to bus in college students, union members and those who appeared in many cases to be out-patients from North Carolina psych wards, to fill the seats.

They then had to pray for rain as an excuse to cancel Obama’s speech in the football stadium that promised to draw an even smaller crowd than “Gigli,” the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck movie that emptied more theaters than stink bombs and Rob Schneider put together.

Of course the Democrats had to pretend that the change of venue was merely to safeguard the crowd from the dangers of lightning. Oddly enough, 40,000 fans will often stay put in Yankee Stadium during a downpour, praying that the umps don’t call the game because of rain.

Finally, someone at the Convention claimed that were Ronald Reagan still alive, he would be a Democrat today. That struck me as the absolute height of absurdity until it occurred to me that in all likelihood America’s second greatest president probably would be a Democrat.

After all, these days he’d be 100 years old and suffering from Alzheimer’s.