President Obama in his State of the Union announced new NSA guidelines to guard against unconstitutional snooping. They are strict. The NSA can no longer violate your privacy rights and glean your personal information, that job has been outsourced to Target.

Target dropped its health care coverage plan for part-time store workers and blamed it on Obamacare rules . They’ll be alright. From now on, whenever Target workers want to pay for a doctor’s visit or an operation they’ll just use their customers’ credit card numbers.

Dennis Rodman’s agent announced he checked into an alcohol and drug rehab hospital after returning from his North Korea trip. Everyone hopes he gets well. After five days of detox, the doctors examined Dennis Rodman and diagnosed that he’s addicted to dictators.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie addressed national issues in his State of the State speech in Trenton last week. His theme appears to be national unity. Chris Christie could be the first president to bring America together by forcing us all to merge into one traffic lane.

President Obama proclaimed a Year of Action in his State of the Union speech to Congress. He had just received some unexpectedly welcome polling news. It turns out so few people have signed up for Obamacare that not that many people are angry about it.

President Obama implored the GOP Congress to work with him and pass his agenda. It was ever thus. He ended his speech by predicting a new era of bi-partisan cooperation in Washington D.C., which follows the first rule of show business, always leave them laughing.

House Speaker John Boehner told CNN he’ll never run for president because he likes to drink wine and smoke cigarettes too much. That turns the tables. For all the criticism alcohol and tobacco receive each day, they never get credit for the presidencies they prevent.

Intelligence chief Jim Clapper said al-Qaeda is as dangerous as ten years ago. He said they have five franchises in the Mideast and North Africa. When President Obama said al-Qaeda is on the run he meant they’re so hot they’re selling franchises like they’re McDonald’s.

President Obama told Congress he will sign an executive order that raises the minimum wage to ten dollars an hour. It’s of no consequence. The pay hike only applies to workers on future federal construction projects, like the border wall with Mexico’s ever going to get built.

Northwestern University football players asked the National Labor Relations Board if they can form a union. The players want to be paid for sweating it out every day on the fields. The last time this was suggested the Southeastern Conference seceded from the Union.

Dade County Jail was deluged by Justin Bieber fans who cheered him as he walked out. The four hours in jail may have expanded his vocal range. Fans heard Justin Bieber hit a high-C and hold it for forty seconds, and that’s just when he first sat down in the car.

Colorado’s licensed pot shops were reported running out of marijuana due to the huge demand. State lawmakers responded by suggesting a thirty-five percent sales tax on every ounce sold. Leave it to a state legislature to make the Mexican drug cartel look not so greedy.

Toronto mayor Rob Ford admitted he fell off the wagon when he sang reggae drunk at a burger joint. He vowed to keep going on and off the wagon until he hits rock bottom. Rob Ford has hit rock bottom so many times that environmentalists accused him of fracking.

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