March 24, 2011

A Political Reality Show

(Editor’s Note: Mark Alexander is traveling with his family on spring break this week. Enjoy this week’s guest column from Burt Prelutsky.)

I am constantly writing myself notes, jotting down the things I hear oozing out of the mouths of politicians. But occasionally when it comes time to use the quotes in an article, I find myself wondering if our elected officials actually spoke those words or if I had been hallucinating.

I am constantly writing myself notes, jotting down the things I hear oozing out of the mouths of politicians. But occasionally when it comes time to use the quotes in an article, I find myself wondering if our elected officials actually spoke those words or if I had been hallucinating.

I mean, when some of the Tea Party Republicans were trying to introduce the notion of fiscal responsibility to Capital Hill by defunding the NEA, did Harry Reid actually take the floor to defend a cowboy poetry festival that annually draws dozens of tourists to Nevada? For one thing, if the Democrats are going to fight over such things, don’t they realize that they sound exactly like those dippy women who divorce guys like Donald Trump and, in the battle over alimony, insist that they really need $20,000-a-month for their dog trainer and another 25 grand for daily pedicures?

For another thing, I hope I never again have to hear the words “cowboy” and “poetry” uttered in the same sentence.

Speaking of dumb things, did I actually hear Martin Sheen compare Charlie Sheen’s situation to that of a cancer victim? If so, Charlie’s not the only one in the family who needs to have his head examined.

On the other hand, as I listened to Charlie’s endless rants about how special he is, being, as he is, a warlock, I found myself thinking that he was only saying out loud the exact same things that all those left-wing Hollywood crackpots believe about themselves. When you see and hear folks like Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Danny Glover, Sean Penn and George Clooney, scolding the rest of us, describing us as rubes, fascists and racists, don’t you suspect they’re wondering, “Why am I even wasting my time with these puny little creatures who all wish they could be me, me with my millions of dollars, my battalion of servants and sycophants, and my veins filled with tiger blood”?

Like most sane people, I was delighted to see the two oafs named Schiller dumped by National Public Radio. I would have been even happier if I didn’t immediately have to see Juan Williams on Fox, once again chastising the left-wing elitists at NPR. Why is it that nobody dares challenge Mr. Williams by pointing out that it was the exact same place, pouring out the same sort of left-wing drivel, when he was working there quite contentedly for over 10 years? And after all that time, he didn’t suddenly come to his senses and quit; he was fired. So, for all of his self-righteous bluster, the only thing that’s changed are the folks who sign his checks.

For sheer chutzpah, it’s hard to beat Sen. John Ensign, who claimed his decision not to seek re-election in 2012 has nothing to do with his adulterous affair with a staff worker, but, rather, his concern with how a campaign would affect his family. How odd that he never wondered how his affair would affect them.

By the way, with the frequency that politicians are caught having affairs with members of their staff, are we to assume that these days typing and filing skills are strictly optional, while taking dictation is essential?

Proving that even a guy who looks like Central Casting’s idea of a president can be as dumb as a rock, allow me to present for your inspection Mitt Romney. As we look forward to a campaign in 2012, in which ObamaCare figures to be a major issue, this schnook defends RomneyCare! His defense is that it was created to deal with Massachusetts’ needs. Who’s managing his campaign – Moe, Curly or David Axelrod?

If he were as smart as he is rich and good-looking, Romney would have said, “I regret to admit it, but my health care plan proved to be an unmitigated disaster. But I, unlike Barack Obama, learned from my mistake.”

I believe that most Americans will accept that governors, senators and even presidents, make mistakes. In fact, they’ve come to expect it. But what they resent are politicians who are too stubborn or too simpleminded to acknowledge theirs and who, instead, double down.

But doing his best to take the heat off Romney’s gaffe, we had Newt Gingrich blaming his tawdry affairs on his patriotism. I must say that, as excuses for adultery go, this one had the virtue of originality. But only in the sense that a kid explaining to his teacher that the reason he wasn’t turning in his report was because a Martian had eaten it.

I never thought I’d say it, but I just might toss my hat in the ring and run in 2012. If things continue the way they have been, I just might be the last Republican standing. What’s more, I am over the age of 35, I was born in Chicago and I’d be happy to show anyone who’s interested my long form birth certificate.

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