“Twas the night before the night before Christmas,
And all through the so-called sanctuary city,
Not an illegal was stirring,
Not even Speedy Gonzales.

Hey, I tried.

Illegal immigration is no laughing matter, of course — and neither is the Herculean task of deporting 10 million-or-so illegals. But Donald Trump, as is his nature, is intent on keeping his promise come hell or high water, and regardless of the obstruction from the paid leftist agitators and the caterwauling from the open-borders Democrats.

And so, yesterday, in the spirit of the season, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem announced that her department had tripled its payout from $1,000 to $3,000 for illegal aliens who decide to self-deport, but only for those who do so by the end of the year. According to a DHS press release: "Illegal aliens who sign up to self-deport through the CBP Home app by the end of the year will receive a $3,000 stipend in addition to a free flight home. Using the CBP Home app also qualifies recipients for forgiveness of any civil fines or penalties for failing to depart the country.”

Back in May, I wondered whether the Trump administration’s self-deportation campaign would work. This mass of humanity is, after all, largely unskilled, and there didn’t seem to be any incentive to keep them from continuing to put an incalculable burden on the American taxpayer. Well, call me convinced. The DHS press release also notes that since Trump took office in January, 1.9 million illegals have voluntarily self-deported, and tens of thousands of them have used the CBP Home app to do so.

We don’t know exactly how many illegals poured into our country during the ruinous term of the Autopen President, but 1.9 million might only be a tenth of the total. Still, it’s a start, and Donald Trump has more than three years left to complete the task for which we once again voted him into office.

In an interview on Fox News yesterday, Secretary Noem seemed to be speaking directly to the illegals themselves:

Well, it’s home for the holiday season, so not only are we returning those kiddos back to their families that Biden lost, we also are saying that if you voluntarily want to go home now to your country, if you’re in this United States of America illegally, we will give you $3,000 through the holidays to send you home. We’ll buy you a ticket, give you $3,000 to go home, and that includes people that have not been detained, maybe have interacted with us, are detained and don’t have criminal charges against them. Raise your hand. We’ll help you get home. We’ll facilitate it, and you might get the chance to come back to this country the right way someday. If you wait until we interdict you, and detain you, and arrest you, and have to deport you ourselves, you’ll never get the chance to come back. So, go on the CBP Home app, and get the information, and we’ll make sure you get home in time for Christmas.

Call it … Noem for the Holidays. I know what you’re thinking: Why are we being so charitable? Why on earth are we tripling the reward for these lawbreakers? Here’s why: For every illegal alien our ICE agents have to track, chase down, arrest, and deport, it’s estimated that we spend $17,000 to do so. And this doesn’t factor in the additional strain that so many dependent people put on our social services — our emergency rooms, our homeless shelters, and our judicial system. If the administration is offering $3,000 to illegals who are willing to do it themselves and thereby save us the trouble, it sounds like a pretty good deal for both the illegals and the American taxpayer. Call it a Christmas win-win.

As the Fastest Mouse in all Mexico™ might put it, ¡Olé! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Arriba! ¡Ándale!

Even our noble Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency is getting into the self-deportation Christmas spirit. On Sunday night, ICE posted an image of a team of flying reindeer hauling an “ICE Air” commercial airliner across the snowy, moonlit skies with the following message: “ILLEGAL ALIENS: Avoid ICE Air and go Ho Ho Home this Christmas using the CBP Home app!”

‘Tis the season, and Donald Trump’s deporters are in a giving mood.