While America reels in staggering disappointment over the recent U-6 and U-3 jobs numbers, U-2 numbers have remained remarkably consistent over the course of the popular Irish rock group’s entire discography.

When questioned about the unchanging nature of their numbers, band frontman Bono remarked, “Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses? Nobody, that’s who. There are no jobs. Well, that’s not entirely true. There’s One. Mine.”

The band’s future had been uncertain after the singer had sustained injuries in a particularly nasty bike wreck in New York, a City Of Blinding Lights for an aging rocker suffering from glaucoma and Vertigo. The blow to his career and the accompanying uncertainty were difficult for Bono, who relied heavily on a Miracle Drug that left him Numb. Pulling a tattered photo of President Obama from his guitar case, Bono removed his sunglasses, wiped away a tear with the palm of his hand, and said, “Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own.” Cradling the photo against his chest, he whispered, “it’s All Because Of You.”

In A Little While, upon gathering his composure, he further elucidated, “What I want to see is nobody standing around outside the unemployment office. No Line On The Horizon. It’s like everyone is Running To Stand Still. And as for me? I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”

What should the American public do? “All I Want Is You to Breathe. Wake Up Dead Man. Get On Your Boots. Walk On. It’s a Race Against Time, but it’s not like it’s the Last Night On Earth.”

Editor’s Note: While the U-3 and U-6 numbers are disappointing, we must confess that, despite a remarkable consistency, we prefer the U-2 numbers. They’re Even Better Than The Real Thing.