U.S. — The end of the world appears to be drawing nigh as the last remaining universally beloved human being passed away yesterday.
Dolly Parton, age 80, was the final person on earth still beloved across every political and socioeconomic spectrum. With her death, the approach of the apocalypse is now considered imminent.
"We will always love you, Dolly," cried fans across the nation, mourning the country music superstar. "Jolene had nothing on you."
Flags were immediately lowered to half staff in honor of Parton. "Dolly was the one thing we could all still agree on," sighed local man Dennis Carlton. "She was such an amazing singer, songwriter, and human being. Dolly did more for child literacy than maybe any human on this planet. And have you been to Dollywood? Everyone loves Dollywood. Best theme park in America, hands down. We're going to miss her. This one stings."
At publishing time, the nation had gratefully remembered that there is still Weird Al Yankovic, so perhaps the apocalypse may hold off just a bit longer.
From our friends at The Babylon Bee.
