SACRAMENTO, CA — In a statement intended to assuage the fears of Democratic voters throughout the state, Governor Gavin Newsom assured Californians that they would be kept safe from all of the Trump administration’s prosperity, safety, and lower prices.

California residents who had fallen into despair following Trump’s victory were relieved to hear that Governor Newsom would be doing everything in his power to shield them from the restoration of hope and happiness offered by Trump’s return to the White House.

“Trump’s message of peace, success, and security has no power here,” Newsom said in a defiant announcement this morning. “I want to assure all Californians that despite Trump being re-elected, they will never have to live in fear that they will be subjected to lower crime rates, affordable groceries, and reduced risk of global thermonuclear war. That type of bright future and hope for a better tomorrow has no place in California.”

Residents of the Golden State expressed thankfulness for Newsom steadfastly standing guard to protect everything that makes California what it is. “We’re so grateful for his protection,” said Silvica Vlad. “If it weren’t for Governor Newsom’s strength and determination, the day might come when we could leave our homes without paying exorbitant gas prices, being violently assaulted by criminals, or stepping in piles of homeless people’s poo. God bless you, Gavin Newsom.”

At publishing time, the governor’s office had announced Newsom’s plan to declare California a sanctuary state for high taxes, inflation, child mutilation, and unrestrained violent crime.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.