From The Comedy Store
Joseph P. Kennedy III was reported considering a run for the seat vacated by Barney Frank. He’s a thirty-year-old prosecutor in Cambridge. Nobody ever thought that when Barney Frank’s seat came up for grabs it would be a Kennedy that reached for it.
The Postal Service released a new set of stamps which honor history’s most famous vegetarians. What a clever con. The Postal Service is gambling that vegetarians will buy up all the stamps before they begin using them and realize they are licking a horse.
Joseph P. Kennedy III was reported considering a run for the seat vacated by Barney Frank. He’s a thirty-year-old prosecutor in Cambridge. Nobody ever thought that when Barney Frank’s seat came up for grabs it would be a Kennedy that reached for it.
The DEA discovered an underground tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego used by drug smugglers that’s eight feet high and six feet wide and equipped with rail tracks. That’s not even the worst part of it. It was paid for by a stimulus grant for high-speed rail.
Iranian mobs stormed the British Embassy in Teheran and took five hostages, sparking an international stand-off. Right now unemployment is high, prices are high, morale is low, and Iran just took hostages. If Barack Obama were any more like Jimmy Carter he’d have a farm with peanuts on it instead of an economic plan with peanuts in it.
House Republicans proposed a bill designed to end the federal funding of presidential elections and national political conventions. This could actually work in the Democrats’ favor. One way to finally tax the rich is to make them buy the candidates.
Congress permitted the sale of horsemeat in grocery stores for human consumption. The reaction was decidedly mixed. Animal lovers are horrified but next year’s Kentucky Derby could see the fastest race times in history by all twenty horses in the race.
Wall Street celebrated as the stock market rose past twelve thousand. It was a wild day. The hedge funds that own Obama were selling their shares to the banks that own Romney and the banks that own Romney were dumping Romney to buy Gingrich.
Michelle Obama showed a four-hundred-pound gingerbread house among the East Room Christmas decorations. The realism is amazing. It shows two realtors and a banker negotiating the short sale in the front yard as the family is being dragged off by the sheriff.
Madonna was hired for the halftime show at the Super Bowl in Indianapolis in January. It’s sponsored by Bridgestone. Tire commercials used to compete over which tire is the safest on the road now it’s over what tire gives the firmest support for a good night’s sleep.
Warren Buffett put up two hundred million dollars to buy the Omaha World Herald newspaper. The guy’s not kidding around. He’s publicly vowed that he will never give his fortune to his children so he’s decided to invest it in newspapers until it’s all gone.
The National Archives acquired every tweet ever made from Twitter’s tweet bank. Don’t worry about privacy. The tweet bank will be sent to the U.S. government which will give it to the Federal Reserve, which will loan it to Greece, where it will be lost forever.
The House of Representatives voted to end the three-dollar check-off box on tax returns that helps to fund presidential elections. The idea was flawed from the very beginning. If God had wanted us to have elections, he would have given us candidates.
Congress heard testimony that no fence can seal the Mexican border. They can always build a higher ladder. The only thing that works is a bad economy, allowing Barack Obama to boast he has the best record in forty years of halting illegal immigration.
© Copyright 2011 Argus Hamilton
