JERUSALEM — In a development which many see as an irrefutable sign of the impending end times, biblical scholars and historians have reached a consensus that the Number of the Beast is actually 67.

The decision comes after a newly reevaluated analysis of Revelation 13:15-18, which contains a famously difficult-to-interpret number, which most translators have rendered as “666.” New insight, however, indicates that the proper translation choice should be “67.”

“It was right under our noses all along,” said scholar Michael Werden, who has been studying Jewish apocalyptic literature for over five decades. “For years, Christians have been anticipating the Mark of the Beast to be some sort of tattoo or perhaps electronic microchip containing the satanic number 666. But little did we know — at least until just now — that the proper translation of that number is actually ‘67.’ This is a huge step forward…or, on second thought, maybe backward, given that the Anti-Christ and Great Tribulation are right around the corner now.”

“The number 67 is definitely satanic, all right,” said Jake Williams, who owns a gospel preaching radio station in southern Georgia. “A sure and sterling indicator of the great time of suffering to come, which according to Daniel clearly follows the establishment of the State of Israel in 1947. Pray for the peace of Jerusalem, brothers. And don’t forget to stock up on some survival food while you’re at it.”

At publishing time, a mysterious, charismatic world leader had arisen working signs and miracles mostly by juggling his hands up and down in front of his chest.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.