From The Comedy Store
Pittsburgh medical researchers discovered Tuesday that a person’s adult stem cells could possibly be used to make them grow younger. Many doctors have been tinkering with it. Ron Paul has used it on his supporters for years and now they all look twenty-five.
Pepsi agreed to pay three million dollars to settle federal charges by the EEOC that it discriminated against minorities by refusing to hire anyone with an arrest record. Past drug arrests blocked many. The settlement is part of the company’s effort to bring coke users into Pepsi.
The Weather Channel reported Tuesday that only twenty-six Americans were killed by lightning last year. It’s the lowest number ever. Those deaths were preventable but twenty-six Americans have yet to make the switch from steel-shafted golf clubs to graphite shafts.
Michelle Obama went on CBS News Tuesday and punched her fist in the air while she denied that she’s an angry black woman. She’s not angry. The strain of getting Charles Barkley to give up junk food and go on Weight Watchers has permanently creased her face.
Michelle Obama joined Twitter Tuesday and in one day drew one hundred thousand followers. That’s nowhere near the record. Charlie Sheen drew six million followers in his first day on Twitter but then his diet and exercise plan is far more popular than hers.
President Obama blamed Richard Nixon for bloated bureaucracies Friday. History is a circle. Obama blamed Nixon, who blamed Eastern elites, who blamed FDR, who blamed Hoover, who blamed Germany, who blamed Greece, who blamed the banks, who blamed Obama.
Delta Airlines became the first carrier to announce an increase in airfares Thursday when they raised round trip prices by ten percent. All the carriers are trying to keep prices down. To help raise extra money, the airlines now charge a fee to explain their fees.
President Obama marked MLK Day Monday by visiting a public school in Washington D.C. where he built new bookcases for the library. The president mesmerized the kids. He explained to them that a book is a reading device with a battery that never runs down.
China posted its marriage license database online to expose adulterous husbands to girlfriends who don’t know they’re married. Reaction was angry in Washington. No one’s ever heard both Democrats and Republicans complain about too much government.
The Centers for Disease Control released a study Tuesday showing that seniors over sixty-five binge-drink more than any other age group. It makes sense. Once your career is over and the government’s paying for your medical care, there’s no incentive to taper off.
President Obama ordered the Pentagon to decide on billions in budget cuts Friday. It has made a lot of people uneasy. The first job of the President of the United States is to protect this country, and his second job is to assure China that we’re good for the money.
The White House rejected the Keystone pipeline bringing oil to the U.S. from Canada Wednesday. The environmentalists don’t want oil coming from a country that doesn’t hate us. They will never persuade us to go solar if someone’s not blowing up our buildings.
President Obama disclosed he’ll give his Democratic convention acceptance speech this fall at Bank of America Stadium in Charlotte. It seats seventy-four thousand people. The stadium is already sold out, but Obama persuaded the job fair to give him half an hour.
Pittsburgh medical researchers discovered Tuesday that a person’s adult stem cells could possibly be used to make them grow younger. Many doctors have been tinkering with it. Ron Paul has used it on his supporters for years and now they all look twenty-five.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton
