It's the end of December, which means people all over the world are making their lists of New Year's resolutions for 2026 — and President Donald Trump is no different.
Through high-level contacts, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following copy of Trump's resolutions for the coming year:
- Build a wall around New York City: To keep the riffraff from escaping into the U.S.
- Put his face on all U.S. currency: Nobody remembers people like Lincoln, Andrew Jackson, or Ben Franklin anyway.
- Reconnect with Macaulay Culkin: Make sure he knows where to find the bathroom.
- Broker peace with all the losers and haters: A truce only Trump can negotiate.
- Break ground on the White House Monster Truck Arena: Fulfilling a promise he made to JD Vance.
- Apply crippling economic pressure on McDonald's until they bring the McRib back year-round: Sky-high tariffs on every extra value meals until they cave.
- Abandon strategy of hiring hot female attorneys and instead hire even hotter female attorneys: It'll definitely work this time.
- Bomb the Norwegian Nobel Committee for refusing to award him the Peace Prize: That'll show 'em.
- To achieve world peace so Earth will be unified against the impending alien invasion: The galactic army from Zorlox IX won't stand a chance when Trump is elected President of Earth.
- Prepare an astonishingly spiteful obituary for that 4th-rate loser Dick Van Dyke: He never said nice things about Trump, even once.
- Forget the list — change nothing: President Trump is already perfect.
If you thought 2025 was a year of winning, you haven't seen anything yet.
From our friends at The Babylon Bee.
