From The Comedy Store
The Chicago Auto Show got underway with Ford’s new Mustang Shelby showing off its six hundred and fifty horsepower engine. In only one way is the car environmentally correct. The Shelby doesn’t run on gas, it runs on ground-up Chevy Volts.
The Chicago Auto Show got underway with Ford’s new Mustang Shelby showing off its six hundred and fifty horsepower engine. In only one way is the car environmentally correct. The Shelby doesn’t run on gas, it runs on ground-up Chevy Volts.
Homeland Security rolled out a new airport security pre-check program for frequent flyers. You can breeze through airport security as long as the TSA has all your personal details. If you submit an Internet video sex tape, that’s good enough for them.
President Obama reversed himself to allow his supporters to form a Super PAC. These PACs have no limits on personal or corporate donations. The president is prepared to spend a billion dollars to stop big money’s corrupting effect on Washington.
President Obama reversed himself on forcing churches to give women contraceptive coverage. He also reversed his opposition to campaign PACs and started one for himself. Back when he lived in Hawaii flip-flops were shoes, now they are career extenders.
Senator Marco Rubio blasted ObamaCare for forcing Catholic institutions to provide free birth control. He said Obama should have listened to Joe Biden’s warning against the mandate. You’re not officially off the rails until Joe Biden is the wise counselor in the room.
California began providing two hundred schools with free school dinners for kids for the first time ever. The state is calling it the Healthy Hunger-Free Food Act. They were going to call it the Eat It for Lunch or You’ll Get It for Dinner Program, but it didn’t test well.
Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood urged the overthrow of military rule to allow Islam to rule Egypt. The people are caught between a junta and a theocracy. It took Americans two hundred forty years to get to the exact same point, and Egypt got there in two weeks.
Yale geologists reported that Asia and America were heading closer together and will collide in a hundred million years. It’s pretty good news. We’re happy to have these jobs coming back home to America but we were hoping for something a little quicker.
Newt Gingrich told the CPAC convention he’ll replace Social Security with individual retirement accounts if he’s president. It’s high time. Americans have been paying into Social Security for seventy years and there are more old people now than the day it started.
Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer was robbed at home by a machete-waving thief who made off with a thousand dollars. Democrats worry. The timing couldn’t be worse for the fate of ObamaCare if it’s true that a conservative is a liberal who’s just been robbed.
President Obama’s campaign office dispatched hundreds of so-called truth teams to all fifty states to kneecap any criticism of the president. They really don’t like it. They’re going to go house-to-house turning off the radios whenever Rush Limbaugh is on.
The Indianapolis Colts said Peyton Manning could stay if he turns down a twenty-eight million-dollar signing bonus. Go for it. He’d be so popular if he did, he could get elected to Congress and make back the twenty-eight million dollars via insider trading in one year.
President Obama hosted a lunch for Chinese vice president Xi Jinping. He is China’s next leader and anxious to learn more about other cultures. He was delighted to meet President Obama’s daughters Sasha and Malia and asked them where they worked.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton
