In a long-anticipated move, the U.S. government finally released a trove of previously classified files about UFOs and the search for extraterrestrial life.

Here are the ten most shocking revelations from the now-public files:

  1. The government's cameras really suck: The resolution on these pics is just awful.
  2. There are lots of little black smudges out there in the sky: Or they could just be on the lenses of those terrible cameras.
  3. All the space aliens we have talked to are actually Christian: Oh, sweet.
  4. Elon Musk isn't actually an alien: Didn't see that coming.
  5. Kids have been mostly unsuccessful trying to flee with an alien in a bicycle basket: Mostly.
  6. Tucker Carlson's demon was actually an alien named Charles who just likes playing elaborate pranks: Knock it off, Charles.
  7. The aliens currently residing on Earth all work at Starbucks: Okay, this one we already knew.
  8. Will Smith was actually a DEI hire for the Men In Black: That figures.
  9. Earth was just gerrymandered in Voting District 4 of the Milky Way: Even the aliens are doing it.
  10. The government has been hoarding a massive amount of pictures that don't have aliens in them: We're not really clear why.

What a remarkable collection of information tucked away in the UFO files.

From our friends at The Babylon Bee.