The TSA were at a Paul Ryan event to scan Republicans at The Villages in Florida. It’s a huge senior citizen community. TSA statistics show that people with knee and hip replacements pose the greatest threat to U.S. security since the collapse of the Soviet Union.

The Mars Curiosity rover did its test drive by rolling forward fifteen feet, then turning one hundred twenty degrees and backing up eight feet. Americans had one query. If you’re the only car on the planet, why do you have to know how to parallel park?

Lance Armstrong was stripped of seven Tour de France titles after he gave up fighting the charges against him. He’s alleged to have used performance enhancing drugs. Federal authorities became suspicious when they noticed that an American was exercising.

Bill Clinton was enlisted to do TV ads in which he looks into the camera and says he thinks Barack Obama is the clear choice. The ads could be very effective. A whole generation of voters are too young to remember what it means when he bites his lower lip.

Neil Armstrong’s death Saturday left millions of Americans recalling exactly where they were the night they watched him land a U.S. spacecraft on the moon. He may have been the most optimistic guy who ever lived. Neil Armstrong returned to earth, and he had a choice.

New Orleans braced for the arrival of Isaac Monday as the tropical storm gathered strength over the Gulf. It gave Democrats their theme of the week. Last week it was Republicans’ disrespect for women, this week it’s Bush doesn’t care about black people again.

Hurricane Isaac approached Louisiana Tuesday night carrying eighty-mile-per-hour winds. The federal response was swift. Before it arrived, President Obama ordered FEMA to begin running TV commercials showing Paul Ryan pushing granny into the storm surge.

President Obama disclosed plans Tuesday to help lower gasoline prices in the wake of refinery fires and the hurricane-shutdown of the gulf oil rigs. He’s considering tapping the strategic oil reserve. He wants to fix an emergency shortage in his job approval ratings.

The Tour de France stripped Lance Armstrong of his seven titles. They always tried to nail him. When Lance won his first Tour de France, the French police searched his luggage and found three substances banned in France – soap, shampoo, and deodorant.

Mitt Romney arrived in Tampa for the GOP Convention Tuesday, leading in the polls for president. His numbers are definitely improving. According to one poll, his support among African-Americans is zero percent, but that’s up ten percent from the month before.

Allstate released a report saying Washington D.C. is at the bottom of the list of safest driving cities with the average motorist in a wreck every four years. It’s out of date. These statistics were recorded when there were still Kennedys in both houses of Congress.

The National Academy of Sciences commissioned a test which found that teens who smoke pot risk a drop in their IQs. It was expensive. To get them to take the test they paid L.A. high school students one thousand dollars cash in seven crisp one hundred-dollar bills.

Mississippi ordered all casinos to close Tuesday as Isaac approached land. It’s really ironic. When the U.S. gave the Indian tribes land with no water on it or no water near it, they did not realize they were giving Indians an unfair advantage in the casino business.

© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton