September 22, 2012

From The Comedy Store

Barack Obama will attend a fundraiser held by actor Jonathan Goldsmith, who plays The Most Interesting Man in the World on Dos Equis beer commercials. All the ads have to be re-shot. Now he says he doesn’t always drink, but when he does, he drinks the Kool-Aid.

Harvard students were investigated for cheating on a final test on a course called Introduction to Congress. The school is proud. They’d only taken one semester of a course on Congress and already they’re doing graduate work in adultery and voter fraud.

The White House reports a U.S. predator drone killed al-Qaeda’s second-in-command with a missile strike in Yemen. He’s the sixth al-Qaeda second-in-command the U.S. has killed. It’s a long American tradition to disrespect anybody who’s vice president.

President Obama told CBS Egypt was not an enemy but mistakenly added that Egypt is no longer an ally. It was an honest mistake, Whenever Barack Obama thinks of allies he thinks of the media and whoever’s playing against the Packers this week.

President Obama skipped a CIA briefing Monday for a Miami radio interview with the deejay, Pimp with the Limp. No problem. The CIA will start feeding the classified briefing directly to the Pimp with the Limp, then he can pass it on to Obama during the commercial breaks.

Barack Obama will attend a fundraiser held by actor Jonathan Goldsmith, who plays The Most Interesting Man in the World on Dos Equis beer commercials. All the ads have to be re-shot. Now he says he doesn’t always drink, but when he does, he drinks the Kool-Aid.

The International Cycling Union proposed offering pardons to bicyclists who’ll come forward and admit they once did drugs. The offer of the pardon was extremely popular. The next day two hundred million Americans came forward claiming to have been bicyclists.

The Texas legislature sent out letters to voters asking them to confirm that they are alive in order to clean up voter rolls. It’s a win-win. Anyone who writes them back and says they are dead loses their right to vote, but it does get the IRS off their backs.

The Justice Department sued a California bank for refusing to make loans to people with no money. The bank agreed to pay nine hundred grand to community groups. The cash can be used for anything except to teach people to make their payments on time.

U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice claimed the attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya was a spontaneous reaction to a video. The protesters just happened to be carrying their rocket launchers on September 11th when they felt insulted over a video released on YouTube in June. That’s what the president told Rice, and as we know, rice goes with anything.

The Obama administration paid a PR firm a million dollars to lobby Hollywood TV shows to feature ObamaCare in their scripts. Hollywood is spooked about it. Andy Griffith did a TV commercial for ObamaCare and he’ll never work in show business again.

President Obama went on David Letterman’s show Tuesday followed by a fundraiser at rap star Jay-Z’s nightclub in New York. He loves the celebrity life. Next week he’s going to a chateau in France to sunbathe topless and get some free publicity in the French press.

The Chinese pandas at the Washington National Zoo gave birth to a baby panda this week thanks to artificial insemination. The procedure had to be privately funded. It never occurred to the authors of ObamaCare that somebody might want to get pregnant.

Mitt Romney promised the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce in California that he’d initiate a new trade agreement with Mexico. It needs overhaul. Today’s cocaine-for-machine-guns trade agreement has raised a lot of cash, but it takes too long to unroll it.

© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton

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