From The Comedy Store
The Associated Press removed the phrase illegal immigrant from its style-book this week. The editors feel the label is stigmatizing. From now on, all Associated Press reports will simply refer to an illegal immmigrant as a person diagnosed with Happy Feet.
Grammy Award-winning legend Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy in Los Angeles. She listed twenty-five thousand dollars in assets and ten million dollars in debts. She needs a good lawyer or she could serve one to three years as Treasury Secretary.
The White House announced that President Obama will go to Mexico next month. It’s an annual exchange program. Once a year, the U.S. president goes to Mexico to visit our jobs, and once a year the president of Mexico comes to the U.S. to visit his people.
President Obama named Julie Pierson to head the Secret Service. The fun’s over, boys. She’s vowed to end the practice of Secret Service agents writing off the cost of hookers on their travel expense account and listing them as mattress testers for the president.
Joe Biden went on his third vacation in three months as President Obama’s girls flew from the Bahamas to Sun Valley and Michelle returned to the White House from Aspen. They needed it. Accusing the Republicans of doing nothing can be exhausting work.
President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament brackets were completely busted. The president sighed and said they may have been the worst picks he ever made. This means the President’s Council of Economic Advisors has lost the crown.
President Obama was surprised by an Easter sermon at St. John’s where the preacher blasted Republicans. He couldn’t wait for it to end. In the Episcopal Church, the sermon is followed by the Prayers of the People which is followed by a golf tournament with prizes.
President Obama was subjected to an Easter sermon where the preacher ripped the GOP for being racist, anti-woman, anti-gay, and anti-immigrant. Everyone felt badly for him. The whole idea behind an Easter vacation is to get away from your day-to-day routine.
President Obama named April as National Financial Responsibility Month. He wants young people to learn how to budget. In a related story, President Obama told everyone not to sweat the unemployment rate because the depression is covered under ObamaCare.
President Obama agreed to shoot free throws in front of the kids at the White House Easter Egg Roll. In front of everybody he missed twenty out of twenty-two free throws. That night, he was demoted from Commander-in-Chief to Washington General.
Louisville Slugger announced this year’s Major League bats will be made out of harder wood to reduce splintering. Not all the teams will use them. The Yankees and the Mets will be limited to tee-ball bats under sixteen ounces by order of Mayor Bloomberg.
Hillary Clinton was hired by the National Multi-Housing Corporation to give her first paid speech. She’s in demand. During the playoffs, the NBA doesn’t want their stars to foul out, so they’re hiring Hillary to teach a seminar for the refs on how to look the other way.
The Associated Press removed the phrase illegal immigrant from its style-book this week. The editors feel the label is stigmatizing. From now on, all Associated Press reports will simply refer to an illegal immmigrant as a person diagnosed with Happy Feet.
The White House sannounced that the president will return five percent of his salary to the U.S. government to share the sacrifice in the sequester budget cuts. He’s paying seventeen hundred a month back to the Treasury. At this rate he’ll reimburse us for what he spent on family vacations but only if he’s president for another twenty-three years.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton
