From The Comedy Store
NBC announced it will produce a miniseries about the life of Hillary Clinton starring the beautiful Diane Lane as Hillary. The casting raised a few eyebrows. Diane Lane is such a glamorous upgrade that Bill Clinton just volunteered to play himself in the movie.
Monica Lewinsky’s secretly recorded messages to Bill Clinton sixteen years ago were leaked to the Enquirer Thursday. This was the last thing Hillary needed now. There’s enough fresh evidence on the audio tape to impeach the Clinton Library and remove it from Arkansas.
Joe Biden wandered off script during his televised speech in India Friday. He started talking about a distant ancestor who helped govern India for England. U.S. politicians love giving speeches in India because if the teleprompter breaks, tech support is just a local call.
Tibet’s Dali Lama spoke in India Friday and praised India as the home of great thinkers, philosophers and spiritual masters. The Buddhist said when he retires he expects to be replaced by someone from India. So it’s official, Indians are taking over everyone’s jobs.
NSA fugitive Edward Snowden was given asylum in Russia Thursday allowing him to live in Moscow. It all worked out for him. Ed Snowden looks like the kind of guy who’d go on the Internet and mail order a Russian bride and now he doesn’t have to pay shipping.
New York’s ban on the sale of sugary drinks and sodas over sixteen ounces was ruled unconstitutional Tuesday by a federal court. There was never any doubt. If there’s one thing we know about the Founding Fathers it’s that they liked Classic Coke, and lots of it.
Facebook shares soared thirty percent Friday, increasing Mark Zuckerberg’s wealth by four billion dollars. It was remarkably lucky timing. Anthony Weiner showed people who think they don’t want to be on Facebook what people actually do on Facebook.
San Diego mayor Rob Filner apologized to all the women he’s harassed. He said he can’t blame it on being from the previous generation. The previous generation had the decency and manners to offer women a line of coke before inappropriately touching them.
San Diego mayor Rob Filner enters sex rehab Monday after nine women accused him of groping them in the workplace and while campaigning. He’s somewhat of a role model in the laid back city. After the TSA guys at the San Diego airport pat you down, you don’t hear anything for two days and then you get a text saying they’d like to start seeing other people.
President Obama spoke at Central Missouri College Wednesday. His staffers refused to allow College Republicans or anyone wearing patriotic clothing into the building. Everyone not allowed inside was forced into a boxcar and transported to IRS headquarters.
The IRS employees’ union stated Friday they don’t want to switch health coverage to ObamaCare. IRS agents have seen it and they don’t want it. ObamaCare limits the number of pints of blood you can have, and vampires won’t go any place that’s got a two-drink limit.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton
