From The Comedy Store
President Obama admitted his approval ratings are low. He’ll always have one huge accomplishment. President Obama has improved this country to the point that even racists have completely forgotten that he’s black and despise him only for his policies.
John Kerry returned from Geneva after failing to strike a deal with Iran to limit their nuclear output. He felt so sabotaged. The deal fell through after President Obama picked up the phone and told the Iranians if they like their reactors, they could keep their reactors.
President Obama admitted his approval ratings are low. He’ll always have one huge accomplishment. President Obama has improved this country to the point that even racists have completely forgotten that he’s black and despise him only for his policies.
The White House reports that Secret Service agents were caught sending out graphic texts to women online while on duty at the White House. Everyone is stunned. This is the first evidence we’ve seen that somebody at the White House knows how to use a computer.
The Philadelphia Marathon boasted thirty thousand runners participating Sunday. It wasn’t the day’s only big race, There was a dash in Washington D.C. where hundreds of Democrats ran away from ObamaCare, proving that Kenyans don’t always win these things.
USA Today reported a poll saying thirty percent of Americans get their news from Facebook. That’s crazy. Going on Facebook is like being in prison–you spend a lot of time alone, you write on walls, and you get poked by people you don’t know every night.
The Harrisburg Patriot apologized for giving Abe Lincoln a terrible review for his Gettysburg Address one hundred fifty years ago in Pennsylvania. It was a bit picky. The editors chastised the president for relying too much on the envelope-prompter.
The White House offered a ten million dollar reward to anyone who can give information on the Benghazi U.S. consulate attackers. Money talks. In addition they’re offering ten thousand dollars to anyone who’ll hack into the ObamaCare website and fix it.
The White House repeated its intention to shut down the Guantanamo terrorist prison in Cuba. They’re not sure how to do it. The best idea is to declare Gitmo a small business and force it to comply with ObamaCare and within six months it’ll be a thrift shop.
Abe Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was recited at the Gettysburg battlefield in which he laid out his vision for the Union. The nation’s come a long way. One hundred and fifty years later, regardless of race, creed or color, every American is spied on equally.
NSA Director Keith Alexander gave assurance to the American people about the NSA data collection program. He said the NSA doesn’t use this information against President Obama’s political opponents. That’s the IRS’s job and they’re in a different union
John Kerry made a deal with Afghan government that will allow U.S. troops to stay in Afghanistan for security after next year’s huge withdrawal. We’d also have air force bases there. The fastest way to break up a Bingo game in Afghanistan is to shout B-52.
President Obama was slammed for snubbing the one hundred fiftieth anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address speech. It seemed a bit peevish. However to be fair, Lincoln didn’t attend President Obama’s I Have a Website Problem speech either.
President Obama pointed out to CEO’s that Republicans are partly to blame for the ObamaCare rollout disaster. It’s simple algebra. The New York Times said the health care website rollout is this president’s Katrina, therefore ObamaCare is Bush’s fault.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton
