From The Comedy Store
Barack Obama’s address to the nation on Iraq was delayed by a security breach on the North Lawn of the White House Thursday. A toddler had crawled in through the fence. The Secret Service patted him down and found his diaper full of the government’s approval ratings.
Barack Obama’s address to the nation on Iraq was delayed by a security breach on the North Lawn of the White House Thursday. A toddler had crawled in through the fence. The Secret Service patted him down and found his diaper full of the government’s approval ratings.
The Pentagon sent three hundred Marines to northern Iraq as advisors on humanitarian aid. They promised there’d be no boots on the ground. That means we’ll find out a year from now that the Pentagon paid ten thousand dollars for each pair of Adidas.
Obama reported progress in the Iraq air strikes to help Kurdish forces and he thanked Britain and France. It’s the usual division of labor. The U.S. is in charge of air strikes, Britain is in charge of commando operations, while France is in charge of refreshments.
The Washington Post ran an article detailing how often Obama has been late to scheduled press briefings. So far he has been late a total of thirty-five hours during this year alone. The president blamed it on the slow play of the foursomes ahead of him.
The Washington Post ripped Barack Obama for going on vacation amid world crisis. He’s playing golf, dodging the border influx, and he blamed Bush for the U.S. troop pullout in Iraq. Whatever happened to going on vacation to get away from your daily routine at home?
Forbes magazine named Washington D.C. the coolest city in the America in a survey based on the number of entertainment options that a city provides. What a town. You can sample comedy clubs , gambling dens, simulated gunfights and whorehouses, all in one U.S. Capitol tour.
New York police are on the lookout for a man who has robbed eight banks on Long Island in the last three months wearing an Obama mask. You can imagine the tellers’ confusion. Usually when New York bankers see Obama in the lobby, he’s there to drop off money.
St. Louis home electronics stores were looted by street mobs after a white police officer killed an unarmed black man who’d assaulted the cop. The mayor’s call for calm was ignored. It didn’t help when Al Sharpton went on TV and urged looters not to forget the remote.
The U.S. Postal Service reported losing two billion dollars in the second quarter despite an increase in package revenue. They lost almost two billion in the first quarter. The four billion dollar loss in six months makes the Post Office the most profitable branch of the U.S. government.
The Baltimore Ravens invited six hundred grade school football players to training camp for a good citizenship seminar. It was adorable. The children were there to lecture the Ravens about the danger of drunk driving and the consequences of violence against women.
Russian bombers and their fighter escorts have been flying very close to the West Coast of the United States in the past week. They would have no trouble at all penetrating U.S. airspace. The planes are camouflaged to look like Central American children.
Fox News reported a medical study which discovered that highly trained dogs could sniff out prostate cancer with a ninety-nine percent accuracy rate. This is terrifying news for men. If you think it was uncomfortable having a gloved hand up there, just wait until it’s a Schnauzer.
USA Today reports Boston and Maryland schools are preparing to teach thousands of the illegal kids from Central America. They walked all the way here after hearing what a wonderful country America is. Their first day in public school, the history teacher will deliver the rebuttal.
© Copyright 2014 Argus Hamilton
