From The Comedy Store
The Los Angeles Lakers ignored the Arizona boycott and flew to Phoenix for the playoffs Monday. The team is led by Pau Gasol from Spain. The Lakers are going to tell him that he’s in Utah to keep him from planting a flag and taking the place back.
John Kerry introduced the cap-and-trade bill in the Senate Thursday. It forces you to buy permission to emit carbon dioxide. It turns out the reason Bill Clinton never inhaled is because he knew he’d have to exhale and someday owe back taxes on it.
The Senate debated the Financial Reform Bill that lets the U.S. government track all bank transactions. It’s one more database. When you charge an upcoming ski trip to your credit card it’ll alert the local hospital that you’re about to break your leg.
Attorney General Eric Holder was grilled in Congress Thursday about Arizona’s new immigration law. He’s denounced the Arizona law as unconstitutional while admitting he hasn’t read it. He’s read the law, it’s the Constitution he’s never seen.
President Obama wrote a message to all college graduates on Sunday in Parade magazine. A college graduation is a great chance for families to get together nowadays. Parents everywhere are turning the attic into a second bedroom.
The N.Y. Times said the top American baby names this year are Isabella, Jacob and Cullen. They’re the characters on the vampire show Twilight. We’re naming our babies after bloodsuckers to conceal the fact that we’re sticking them with all of our debts.
Arizona residents began canceling vacations in California Monday in response to Californians canceling conventions in Arizona. Both sides are dug in. The only politically acceptable way to travel from one state to the other is to go through Mexico.
The White House wouldn’t let the government’s Minerals Management Service testify to the Senate Monday about the BP gulf oil rig. They approved the BP rig and gave it a safety award. Goldman Sachs just asked the Minerals Management Service if they do bond ratings.
Rand Paul won the GOP Senate primary in Kentucky Tuesday in a major victory for the Tea Party. A huge roar went up. President Obama broke all the dishes in the White House kitchen and the state dinner for Mexico had to be served on paper plates.
The Big Ten considered adding Missouri, Nebraska and Notre Dame Monday. They’d play Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State in football every year. Colleges are so obsessed with equality that everyone feels a duty to finish each season five and five.
The German Stock Exchange clamped down on stock speculation and market hedging in Germany. They banned the practice of naked short-selling. Without even knowing what naked short-selling means, the San Francisco City Council voted to boycott Germany.
A Kansas City car dealer from Morocco was arrested Wednesday and charged with giving a thirty thousand dollar donation to al- Qaeda. Criminals always make stupid mistakes. You can’t claim an energy-saving deduction just because al-Qaeda’s flag is green.
NASA astronauts flew to the Space Station Monday as Congress considered NASA budget cuts. How brutal is the competition for tax dollars? Medicare and NASA are thinking of solving their budget problems by firing the elderly into space.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].
