General Stan McChrystal was fired by the president over comments slamming the Obama administration. So there is a way to get U.S. troops out of Afghanistan. All they have to do is criticize President Obama and they’ll be on the next plane home.

President Obama insists that General McChrystal’s departure signals a change in personnel but not in policy. It’s a policy the president can call his own. Our purpose remains not to kill the Taliban but to register them to vote in Chicago.

Labor Secretary Hilda Solis made a commercial promising to help illegal aliens get better wages. We all mean well. Americans don’t want their clothes sewn by underpaid Mexican migrants, they want them made by underpaid Chinese twelve-year-olds.

Arizona took a hit from the federal government when the U.S. Department of Education canceled a conference in Phoenix. These conferences showcase all the new textbooks. The maps in the new social studies books have no Israel and no Arizona.

The White House press spokesman said there is nothing wrong with the president playing golf while the oil spill is raging. You know Democrats. President Obama doesn’t think of it as playing golf, he thinks of it as promoting electric cars.

President Obama took Russian President Medvedev to Ray’s Hell Burger in Virginia. It got a bit messy. Halfway through lunch Joe Biden accidentally knocked over his iced tea and he demanded that BP send a team of experts to clean up the spill.

The FBI busted a Russian spy ring operating in New York, New Jersey and Boston. The men-and-women Russian spy teams were disguised as American couples living in suburban homes. Their cover was blown when they paid their mortgage on time.

The Supreme Court struck down Chicago’s handgun ban, ruling Chicago must respect gun rights. There goes the neighborhood. Until now only the cops in Chicago could carry handguns, and as long as you slipped them a twenty they wouldn’t shoot you.

Nancy Pelosi wrote Democratic donors warning that a GOP win in November will destroy everything and give House Republicans subpoena power. No one party can get away with fooling all the people all the time. That’s why we have two parties.

General Petraeus sailed through his Senate confirmation hearings as he prepared to take over U.S. and NATO forces in Kabul. He turned around the war in Iraq and he’s being asked to turn around the war in Afghanistan. This is the kind of training you have to have if you’re going to manage the Cubs to a World Series win.

Colorado has the lowest rate of adult obesity in the U.S. Mississippi has the highest obesity rate, followed by Alabama and Tennessee. It never occurred to us Southerners that the reason we lost the Civil War was that we’re too easy a target.

The U.S. Mint released a new depiction of Abe Lincoln on the U.S. penny. It shows Abe as a boy sitting on a log and studying a textbook. The Teachers Union is furious at the U.S. mint for advertising that you can get a better education without them.

Oprah Winfrey continued losing viewers when the Nielsen ratings showed she’s lost one-fourth of her audience. Her slide began when she took sides in the presidential election. Viewers cannot stand a talk show host who’s for tax increases.

© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].