California GOP governor candidate Meg Whitman denied Democratic charges that she knew her maid was an illegal alien. Both sides are dug in. Republicans will certify their maids when Democrats can certify their presidents, until then it’s a Mexican stand-off.

Rahm Emanuel began his campaign for Chicago mayor by learning he doesn’t have a legal residence in Chicago. He can’t force his tenants to move out of his house for the two years left on the lease. If you think Rahm is angry, imagine how the president reacted when he heard that his chief-of-staff had only leased out his house for four years.

The U.S. Congress received two million signatures asking that Jack Daniel’s birthday be made a national holiday. They’re asking for controversy. It’s going to look really bad when businesses take the day off for Jack Daniel’s Day and stay open on Martin Luther King Day.

President Obama urged Richmond Democrats not to give up on his quest to change America. He declared that it took time to free the slaves. It took Americans a hundred years to get past slavery and build a new nation on the backs of illegal aliens.

President Obama told a crowd the country has turned the corner on the recession. We’ve turned the corner on the recession, we just turned the corner on unemployment, we just turned the corner on the deficit and we just turned the corner on the war in Afghanistan. We’ve just turned four corners, we’re right back where we started.

Donald Trump hinted he might run for president as Hew Hampshire GOP polls gauged his electability. He’s a rich white guy with bad hair and a huge ego. Americans are sure to elect him, if only as a make-good to comedians after four years of President Obama.

President Obama told voters his recovery plan will begin yielding new jobs soon. That’s a little misleading. Just because the jobs of Speaker of the House and Senate Majority Leader are about to open up doesn’t mean that anyone can apply for them.

Bank of America announced it’s going to stop evicting people from their homes and stop foreclosing on houses in twenty-three states. The bank’s board of directors made the decision for humanitarian reasons. The paperwork was killing their loan officers.

The Weather Channel aired footage of two tornadoes that touched in Arizona. What a clever way for smugglers to transport their cargo over the Mexican border. The people were a little dizzy but the drugs were wrapped in plastic, so they’re fine.

China’s chief astronomer Wang Sichao reversed his previous disbelief in UFOs Tuesday after UFO sightings in China recently shut down airports. What’s next won’t be pretty. No one knows how many millions of Chinese workers will die building the Great Ceiling.

John Lennon’s application form for U.S. residency was seized from an auction house by the FBI, which said it’s government property. It’s the kind of thing that happens when government bureaucrats with access to records try to make a little extra money. The only reason the Obama birth certificate hasn’t been sold is because nobody can find it.

The White House announced Wednesday that President Obama will fly to New Delhi the night after the mid-term elections in November. The reason is obvious. President Obama thinks if he’s not at the scene of the crime that the detectives will never finger him for it.

The Wall Street Journal reports the income of New Yorkers fell for the first time in seventy years this past year. The rich are leaving the state over high taxes. They’d have been blown away by the last hurricane in the Caymans if not for all the gold bars in their suitcases.

© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].