From The Comedy Store
President Obama refused to reduce Health Care Reform benefits. The U.S. government is giving out free mammograms, free testicular and cervical screenings and free prostate exams. All you have to do is walk through the airport like you’re going somewhere.
The FDA announced cigarette makers must begin printing larger graphic warnings on cigarette packs listing all the ways the smoker is about to die. It’s way over the top. Someone needs to tell the FDA it’s a federal crime to threaten the president.
President Obama gave a speech to the Muslim world and vowed that the United States will never be at war with Islam. He added helpfully that Islam has done much to shape America. For instance, New York used to be a little taller than it is right now.
President Obama returned from his ten-day trip to Asia on Sunday. It didn’t go so well. Obama traveled to India, Indonesia, North Korea and Japan and he wasn’t able to reach a currency agreement, obtain a free trade deal, or find his birth certificate.
House Democrats drew up plans to try to pass amnesty for illegal aliens during the lame duck session. They likened the hiring of illegal aliens to owning slaves. The logic goes, what the signature of Lincoln taketh away, the trunk of a Lincoln restoreth.
President Obama admitted he hit no home runs at the Group of Twenty summit. He had a diminished role. If the world stage were the Nativity Scene, President Obama would be a cow sitting sidestage reminding the other cows that he was Jesus last year.
Senator Harry Reid made plans to try to pass an illegal alien amnesty bill during the lame duck session. He owes them his job. Just for Harry Reid to get re-elected last week, his name had to be printed on the Nevada state ballot as Anglo Salvador.
President Obama refused to reduce Health Care Reform benefits. The U.S. government is giving out free mammograms, free testicular and cervical screenings and free prostate exams. All you have to do is walk through the airport like you’re going somewhere.
NASA reported huge cost overruns building the James Webb Telescope. The heavens entrance us all. The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles just installed a coin-operated telescope on the balcony where for a quarter you can watch the price of gold.
Buckingham Palace announced Tuesday that Prince William and Kate Middleton will be married in Winchester Cathedral next spring. The royal wedding is a welcome event. It gives Americans a chance to forget about Obama for a day and focus on our own country.
China’s leaders hosted Japan’s Prime Minister Taro Aso in Beijing to try to lower tensions over North Korea’s latest threats to Japan. Japan wouldn’t hesitate to launch an attack against North Korea. Unlike America they are able to tell them apart from the Chinese.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton lobbied senators in Washington D.C. Wednesday to pass a nuclear arms deal with Russia. The U.S. capital has no early warning system that detects nuclear radiation coming. They just check John Boehner for signs of early tanning.
The Congressional Hispanic Caucus met with President Obama to secure his backing of an amnesty bill. Hispanics say they’re disappointed by Obama’s lack of enthusiasm. That’s a cruel stereotype of Vulcan-Americans and they owe him an apology.
Motor Trend magazine named the Chevy Volt its Car of the Year. They want people to switch to cars that run on electricity that’s coal-fueled. It could take West Virginia coal miners sixty years to switch from chewing tobacco to Islam and hate America.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].
