President Obama decided Thursday to stay in Hawaii two more days with mainland weather so cold. You’d think he’d take credit for all the blizzards. They provide the first shovel-ready jobs Obama has come up with since becoming president two years ago.

New York City snowplow drivers staged a work slowdown after the blizzard, leaving cars sitting abandoned under snow and ice. People helped each other out. The Mafia fanned out onto the streets and showed car radio thieves the proper way to use an icepick.

Virginia sheriffs reported Friday somebody robbed a bank while wearing a Hillary Clinton mask. The thief had the element of surprise. Every time the security guards see someone from the Obama administration walk into the bank they assume they are bringing money, not taking it.

President Obama sent a U.S. ambassador to Damascus Thursday, six years after the U.S. broke with Syria over its support for terrorism. Damascus is a coveted posting. The only time you have to worry about a terrorist attacking your embassy is when they’re home for the holidays.

The White House faced polls Friday showing Americans in a gloomy mood. Only one-fourth of Americans surveyed in a telephone poll think the country’s going in the right direction. The rest answered the phone by asking whoever was calling for one more month’s extension.

Arkansas wildlife officials can’t explain the hundreds of blackbirds lying dead on the ground Sunday and thousands of dead fish in the Arkansas River. It’s scary. No one knows if we’re about to witness the end of the world or the first episode of Sarah Palin’s Arkansas.

Arizona’s new immigration law went into effect on New Year’s Day, cracking down on employers. It’s now illegal for companies to hire or entice illegal aliens to work for them. For instance, UPS can no longer ask in its commercials what brown can do for you.

President Obama signed the health food bill into law at a White House ceremony Tuesday. The president has events on his side here. According to polls, last week’s most frequently made New Year’s resolution was to get in shape for airport screenings.

The House of Representatives began its new session Wednesday with a reading of the entire U.S. Constitution out loud on the House floor. It’s the first time many lawmakers had heard the document read. They thought all their powers derived from fundraising.

Nancy Pelosi warned Tuesday that House Republicans repealing the health care bill will do violence to the deficit and national debt. Those are the breaks. Americans love sex and violence and the Democrats have had their chance, so now it’s time to try violence.

Congressman John Boehner became Speaker of the House Wednesday. His first task is a bill to increase America’s national debt past fourteen trillion dollars. We may have scaled back our manned space program but we’ll never give up our quest to reach infinity.

Nancy Pelosi caused John Boehner to blush while handing him the gavel Wednesday, kidding him for wanting a big gavel. He got even. He vowed that Congress will repeal health care reform and you should’ve seen the face that Nancy Pelosi tried to make.

The Washington Post accused Sarah Palin of over-acting in her warnings against the end-of-life provisions in health care. She’s a natural actress. When Sarah Palin was a teenager in Alaska she played the female lead in her high school play, The King and Me.

© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].