From The Comedy Store
Japan’s earthquake was upgraded to nine points on the Richter Scale by Cal Tech seismologists Thursday. It moved the whole country eight feet to the west. Now Republicans can never refute Obama if he claims that Japan and China came closer together during his administration.
Leonardo DiCaprio’s new film Red Riding Hood opened in movie theaters this past weekend. It’s the first movie he’s ever produced. The difference between Leonardo DiCaprio and Charlie Sheen is that Charlie knows what it’s like to be on a sinking ship.
Japan’s Fukushima nuclear reactor began leaking radiation and exploding after the earthquake. A meltdown’s radiation cloud could cross the Pacific to Los Angeles. Twenty years ago the smog would have protected us, but thanks to the EPA we are all going to die.
The White House issued a statement of support to Japan following their earthquake which sounded very hastily written. The message assured the Japanese people that America’s support for them was unshakable. At least it didn’t say we were deeply moved.
Japan’s radiation leakage Tuesday prompted some Democrats in Washington to cite the need for universal health care coverage. It was a natural connection for them. Nothing says universal medical care like giving X-rays to everybody at the same time.
National Bracket Day was celebrated on Monday as millions of Americans filled out their office-pool betting brackets. The most-frequently chosen picks for the Final Four are Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle and Vancouver. It’s really up to the jet stream now.
President Obama unveiled his NCAA bracket picks live on ESPN Wednesday as Libya and Japan blew up. He played golf all day right after the tsunami hit. Everyone’s just hoping and praying that North Korea has the manners not to attack us on baseball’s opening day.
President Obama refused Wednesday to commit to helping the rebels overthrow Mommar Khadaffi in Libya. The White House said the president is still weighing his options. After thinking it over for three long weeks, he’s still torn between Kansas and Ohio State.
Starbucks coffee shops are celebrating their fortieth anniversary across the country all this week. The lobbies are festooned with balloons and streamers. The real reason they’re celebrating is that today’s gas prices are making their coffee prices look reasonable.
Bill Clinton backed President Obama’s decision to stop enforcing the ten-year-old Defense of Marriage Act. He now supports same-sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he opposed his own marriage.
GOP Congressman Peter King chaired hearings Thursday spotlighting the problem of the growing radicalism of Muslim-American youth. The House panel heard disturbing testimony that al-Qaeda was recruiting Americans. The good news is, somebody’s hiring.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange told students Monday the web is the greatest spy machine in history. He’s under house arrest in a London mansion but under a strict curfew. If there’s anything a leaker of national secrets will respect, it’s a strict curfew.
Mohammed Ali asked Iran to release the two young American hikers caught hiking in mountains inside Iran. We just got the release of two American kids caught hiking in North Korea. It wouldn’t look so bad if the CIA didn’t openly advertise in Hikers Magazine.
Japan’s earthquake was upgraded to nine points on the Richter Scale by Cal Tech seismologists Thursday. It moved the whole country eight feet to the west. Now Republicans can never refute Obama if he claims that Japan and China came closer together during his administration.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].
