Conan O'Brien: “In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said that she and her husband were dead broke when they left the White House. Hillary said things were so bad the two of them had to share a bedroom.”

Conan O'Brien: “Scientists have developed a robot than can converse like a teenager. When the scientists unveiled the robot, it screamed ‘I hate you’ and slammed the door to its room.”

Argus Hamilton: “President Obama was denounced in France for chewing gum during the French national anthem at the D-Day ceremony. It was embarrassing for them. At the end of the anthem, he popped a bubble and France’s president turned and surrendered to Angela Merkel of Germany.”

Argus Hamilton: Hillary Clinton gave an interview to Diane Sawyer on ABC News Monday to promote her book Hard Choices. Her desire to be president makes perfect sense. If you were married to Bill Clinton, wouldn’t you want to be able to tap his phone, read his e-mail and torture him?“

Seth Meyers: "In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Hillary Clinton said she would make her decision on running for president ‘by the end of the year.’ Specifically, the year 1998.”

Seth Meyers: “Vladimir Putin’s personal envoy said that allowing Finland to join NATO could lead to World War III. Yes, if there’s one country that’s definitely going to start World War III, it’s Finland.”

Seth Meyers: “On Friday the CIA launched its official Twitter account. Which means that you could receive this terrifying email: ‘The CIA is now following you.’”

Fred Thompson: “A new study found that exposure to the blue light emitted by smartphones and tablets causes an increase in hunger. Guess Michelle better re-think that ‘Let’s Move!’ app.”

Fred Thompson: “Video has leaked out of President Obama working out in a hotel gym in Warsaw. Gotta keep in shape. Don’t wanna pull a muscle bowing.”

Frank J. Fleming: “I have a fix for inequality; it’s called the whine tax. If you whine, you get taxed a thousand dollars.”

Frank J. Fleming: “If you’re a woman falling for the president’s equal pay nonsense, you are not equal. You are stupid. That’s why you’re earning less.”

Frank J. Fleming: “Hillary Clinton married her way into being a feminist icon.”

Frank J. Fleming: “The problems with confiscating guns is that the people you’d be taking guns from have guns. … Saying we shouldn’t have guns in America is a like saying Europeans shouldn’t have taken the land from the natives. Little late on opinion. If your gun policy doesn’t start with the assumption criminals will obtain guns no matter what, then it’s pointless.”