Upright: “Those demanding ‘justice’ for a gorilla are saying something nonsensical. Suppose the gorilla had climbed out of the enclosure and grabbed the boy? Would his advocates demand that he be tried for assault? Of course not. The gorilla cannot be held legally or morally liable for his actions because he is a dumb beast. By the same token, he cannot receive ‘justice’ from anyone. Animals can and should be treated humanely not because they are humane but because we are.” —Mona Charen

For the record: “People often ask me what President Obama is like. I always tell them the same thing. He’s pleasant enough, but he’s also like the kid in class who exerts a lot of energy trying to make sure everybody thinks he’s the smartest guy in the room. He is also a very liberal guy who is determined to force our country into the kind of progressive model that Western European societies embraced years ago, whether the rest of us like it or not.” —Mitch McConnell

Braying Jenny: “[S]ome of the loudest voices in our national conversation are saying things that go against every single one of the values that you’ve been living at this school. They’re telling us that we should disrespect others… They’re telling us that we should be selfish… And they’re saying that it’s okay to keep harming our planet and using our land, our air, our water however we wish.” —Michelle Obama at Santa Fe Indian School

Alpha Jackass: “We’ve got to assume the best in each other, not the worst.” —Barack Obama after spending an entire speech talking about what despicably motivated liars Republicans are (He ought to have a word with his wife, too…)

Unintentional truth telling: “[A]s I meet with my counterparts all around the world, as I engage with other countries, they are very concerned about … what’s happened to America and its clarity of leadership. … I think right now people are really wondering about where we’re heading.” —John Kerry on the 2016 election, but better describing his own boss’s administration

Demo-gogues: “Just because you are supporting Hillary doesn’t mean you are, quote, the establishment. It means you are progressive and you want to see her [as president]. She is so qualified for this post. She is just what we need. I love Bernie, he’s my friend for a long time. But you can’t just diss everybody who supports Hillary Clinton.” —Sen. Barbara Boxer

And last… “Katie Couric falsified a moment in her anti-gun documentary and is now the first recipient of the new Brian Williams Creative Editing Award.” —Twitter satirist @weknowwhatsbest