Douglas Andrews / November 30, 2022

Great Woke Satan Edges Mad Mullahs

In a do-or-die match, Team USA put its politics aside for 90 minutes and barely bested Iran.

It was win-or-go-home yesterday for the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team, and they won. Just barely. The Great Satan™ beat Iran 1-0, much to the chagrin of the mad mullahs who rule that rogue nation.

The game’s lone goal came at the 38-minute mark of the first half, and it was scored, perhaps fittingly, by a man named Christian — Christian Pulisic, the longtime face of American soccer.

Some soccer goals are ugly, but this one was beautiful, coming off two perfectly placed passes — the first a looping entry pass from midfielder Weston McKennie and the second a header into the middle of the box from fullback Sergino Dest, which found a charging Pulisic. As The Wall Street Journal reports: “The goal that saved America came off Pulisic’s right foot, giving his team a 1-0 win over Iran and sending the U.S. to the knockout stage of this World Cup. He finished a play the team had been meticulously practicing before the game. But after Pulisic poked home the score that instantly joined the somewhat limited annals of iconic U.S. men’s soccer moments, he celebrated by writhing on the ground.”

Pulisic left it on the field. He sustained an abdominal injury when he collided with the Iranian goalkeeper, and he was taken to a local hospital for a scan. There’s no word yet on his availability for future matches.

Speaking of the three-match round-robin portion of the tournament, Team USA coach Gregg Berhalter said, “It’s the first time in 92 years that we’ve had two shutouts at a World Cup. So the boys are doing something right.” Indeed, Team USA began the tournament by tying Wales 1-1, then tying heavily favored England 0-0 and setting up the must-win final game against Iran. Yes, the Americans have advanced despite scoring only two goals in three games.

Here’s how The Washington Free Beacon’s headline amusingly put it: “USA Barely Beats Iran in Meaningless International Competition.” The Beacon’s subhead was even better: “Warning: Contains graphic descriptions of soccer that some may find offensive.”

Next up for Team USA: the round of 16, the single-elimination knockout round of the tournament, beginning with a match against The Netherlands at 10 a.m. ET Saturday.

So what, you say? Well, we’re in the same boat, given how painfully boring soccer is, and how thoroughly infected it is with fakery and floppery, and how hard this national team has worked to alienate half its potential fan base. As our Emmy Griffin noted recently, “The USMNT has redesigned the USA crest on its jerseys with rainbow colors, choosing to mar this year’s honor of making it to the World Cup by using its platform to virtue signal to Qatar and elevate the LGBTQ+ lobby abroad.”

And here we thought sports were meant to be a diversion from all the real-world awfulness all around us, instead of a reminder of it. The host country, Qatar, is predominantly Muslim, and homosexuality there is outlawed. But rather than leaving politics at the water’s edge, rather than respecting the customs and culture of the hosts and its people — you know, diversity — Team USA chose to publicly embrace the Rainbow Mafia.

It wasn’t the only controversial moment for the Americans. On Saturday, the U.S. Soccer Federation had infuriated the Iranian state by including a doctored Iranian flag in two of its social media posts. The posts showed an Iranian flag stripped of the country’s official emblem and two lines of Islamic script, a move which the USSF said was meant to show support for the women of Iran during the political protests there.

The Iranians called for the U.S. to be expelled from the tournament for disrespecting Iran’s flag. Fat chance of that.

Then, during a press conference on Monday, Berhalter, the American coach, and Tyler Adams, the team’s captain, were treated rudely by the propagandists from Iranian state media, who seem to have gotten their talking points from the Democratic Party or The New York Times.

Both Berhalter and Adams acquitted themselves well — especially Adams, who, when asked whether he’s “okay to be representing a country that has so much discrimination against black people,” said, “There’s discrimination everywhere you go. … In the U.S., we’re continuing to make progress every single day. … As long as you see progress that’s the most important thing.”

Indeed it is. If only Adams, a 23-year-old black man who was raised by white parents, had fired back at his Iranian interlocutor, Yes, there’s discrimination everywhere you go, but at least we don’t shoot our women in the streets during political protests, and at least we don’t shove our homosexuals off of tall buildings.

Maybe next time.

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