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Mark Alexander / Sep. 24, 2020

Biden Gaffes — A Walk Down Memory Lane

Ahead of the upcoming debates, take comfort in the fact that Biden only generates gaffes when he's talking!

Next Tuesday, President Donald Trump will meet Joe Biden in Cleveland for the first of three presidential debates.

Before we get there, though, I thought it would be helpful to take a stroll down Biden’s political gaffe super-highway. A gaffe occurs when a politician says something mind-numbingly stupid in any number of categories, from the creepy or inappropriate to an unintentional truth to a BIG Lie to simply saying something that’s unintelligible. Biden has a rich history across all four types of gaffes, and he knows it. “I am a gaffe machine,” he said in 2018 during a book tour.

Joe Biden is more than just a gaffe machine, though; he’s a gaffe grandmaster. As was the case with a recent column on the best of Mark Twain’s wit and wisdom, or that of President Ronald Reagan, choosing “the best” can be a real challenge. That’s especially true of Bidenisms, none of which qualify as “wit and wisdom,” but all of which qualify as entertaining. Here, then, are my favorites.

From the “creepy/inappropriate” category:

“I’m told Chuck Graham is here. Stand up, Chuck, let ‘em see you.” (Graham is a paraplegic.)

“[Busing is] a rejection of the entire black-awareness concept, where black is beautiful, black culture should be studied; and the cultural awareness of the importance of their own identity, their own individuality.”

“You got the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook.” (Kamala Harris must therefore be “the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking” gal!)

“The wrong people end up collecting the women.” (He was trying to say, “The wrong people ended up collecting the financial winnings.”)

“This is a big f—king deal.” (Caught on an open mic telling Barack Obama, in a national broadcast, what a big political win his so-called “Affordable Care Act” was.)

“And so we have to just change the culture. Period. And keep punching at it and punching at it and punching at it.” (Biden on “punching at” violence against women.)

“There’s no doubt about them staying oiled and lubricated here, ladies and gentlemen. Now for you who are not full Irish in this room, lubricated has a different meaning for us all.”

“Now is the time to heed the timeless advice from Teddy Roosevelt: 'Speak softly and carry a big stick.’ I promise you, the president has a big stick.”

“His mom lived in Long Island for 10 years or so, God rest her soul. Although she’s, wait — your mom’s still alive. It was your dad that passed. God bless her soul. I gotta get this straight.” (2010 reception for then Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen)

“In Delaware, the largest growth of population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I’m not joking.”

“Anybody who can throw coal into a furnace can learn how to program for God’s sake.” (Biden, on his agenda to eliminate coal-mining jobs.)

“Unlike the African American community, with notable exceptions, the Latino community is an incredibly diverse community.”

“You’re a lying dog-faced pony soldier.” (Said to a young woman.)

“I got a lot of — I got hairy legs that turn blonde in the sun,” Biden said. “And the kids used to come up and reach in the pool and rub my leg down so it was straight and then watch the hair come back up again. … I love kids jumping on my lap!”

From the “unintentional truth” category:

“We choose truth over facts!”

“If I had intended to cheat, would I have been so stupid? … I value my word above all else.” (After it was confirmed Biden plagiarized a law school paper. That was before he plagiarized Bobby Kennedy and Neil Kinnock and others on the campaign trail.)

“There’s an old Irish proverb that some of you know that I heard my grandfather use, but never really apply to me before. He said, ‘a silent mouth is sweet to hear.’”

“Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Let’s get that straight.”

“It’s easy being vice president — you don’t have to do anything.”

“U.S. COVID-infected military uh excuse me U.S. COVID-infected in America, six thousand 344,700 U.S. COVID deaths one thousand 189,506. Military COVID-infected 118,984. Military COVID deaths 6,114.”

“I made it absolutely clear that I would go forward with the confirmation process as chairman even a few months before a presidential election.” (In regard to his objection to the prospect of a third Trump SCOTUS nomination, Biden’s 2016 comment on an Obama nomination has come back to bite him.)

“Unless we do something about that cadre of young people — tens of thousands of them, born out of wedlock, without parents, without supervision, without any structure, without any conscience developing … a portion of them will become the predators 15 years from now, and … we have predators on our streets. … We have no choice but to take it out of society. You’re looking at the fella who is one of the primary architects of the sentencing.”

“Like every other person who’s come here, they have to pass, they have to learn how to speak English.” (Declaring his “path to citizenship” requires speaking English.)

“You’re full of s—t. I support the Second Amendment. … We’ll take your AR-14s away. … I’m not working for you. … Don’t be such a horse’s ass.”

“You run the risk of deciding whether or not you’re going to prostitute yourself. … I went to the big guys for the money. I was ready to prostitute myself.”

“I have a record of over 40 years, and I am going to beat Joe Biden.”

From the “BIG Lie” category:

“I’ve had a great record, I haven’t been involved in plagiarism.”

“I got started out at … Delaware State. Now, I don’t want to hear anything negative about Delaware State here. They’re my folks.” (Biden did not attend Delaware State.)

“He said, ‘Sir, I don’t want the damn thing! Do not pin it on me, sir! Please, sir. Do not do that!’ He died. He died!” (Repeatedly lying about a war story, which was eventually exposed by The Washington Post.)

“Those kids in Parkland came up to see me when I was vice president.” (He was not vice president at the time of the Parkland shooting.)

“There are at least three.” (When asked how many genders there are.)

“150 million people have been killed since 2007 when Bernie voted to exempt gun manufacturers from liability. More than all the wars, including Vietnam, from that point on.”

“It would put 720 million women back in the workforce.”

“Well folks, eliminate one tax loophole out of a trillion six hundred billion worth — a trillion four hundred billion worth — out of a billion four hundred million, excuse me, a trillion four hundred billion dollars. … And by the way it’s cost a lot of money. It cost about 740 million-billion dollars over 10 years.”

“That saves billions of gallons of gasoline. I mean, bill-, uh, billions of uh, two point, I think it’s two point three billion dollars’ worth of, excuse me, five hundred billion dollars in savings and two point something billion metric tons of CO2 going into the air.”

“Lobbyists aren’t bad people. Special interest groups aren’t bad people. The people who accept money from them aren’t bad people.”

“Clap for that, you stupid bastards! Come on, man. Man, you are a dull bunch. Must be slow here, man.” (Then VP Biden in 2016, when a room full of service men and women did not respond with enthusiasm.)

“We have this notion that if you’re poor, you cannot do it. Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.”

“Well I tell you what, if you have a problem figuring out whether you’re for me or Trump, then you ain’t black.”

And last, but certainly not least — Biden’s recent “unintelligible” entries:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, all men and women created by — g'oh — you know — you know the thing.”

“I carry with me — I don’t have it. I gave it, I gave it to my staff. I carry it with me in my pocket a — do I have that around anyone? Where’s my staff? I gave it away anyway.”

“It happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: J-O-B-S, jobs.”

“My name is Joe Biden. I’m a Democratic candidate for the United States Senate.”

“If you change the tax rate it went from 38% to 21. If you just send it back to 20 uh — 38%, um, if you — 36% to 28, that’s what we started trying to do.”

“If Donald Trump has his way, the complications from COVID-19, which are well beyond what they should be, it’s estimated that 200 million people have died probably by the time I finish this talk.”

“He promised his administration would enforce every last buy in American provision on behalf of the American people and what makes his wild claims and hopes, he now hopes we don’t notice what he said or won’t remember and when he does follow through or doesn’t do when follow through, the exact opposite.”

“Play the radio, make sure the television — excuse me, make sure you have the record player on at night. … Make sure that kids hear words.” (Advice to parents on how to keep kids’ minds sharp during the pandemic.)

“Everybody’s been woked. Well guess what? The rest of the working-class people in America have been awakened.”

“I guess, are you calling on people or how am I — I don’t have a list so you go ahead and call.”

“Go to Joe 30330 and help me in this fight.” (Biden’s opponent, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg, quickly booked the site “Joe30330.com” and pointed that domain to his own support page. Maybe next time, text, don’t “go.”)

“‘Cause if you could take care, if you were a quartermaster, you can sure in hell take care runnin’ a, you know, a department store, uh, thing, you know, where, in the second floor of the ladies’ department or whatever, you know what I mean?”

“I pledge allegiance to the United States of America, one nation, indivisible, under God, for real.”

“I have more people supporting me in the black community … the only Blafrican American woman that ever been elected to the United States Senate, a whole range of people.”

“No, I haven’t taken a test. Why the hell would I take a test? Come on, man. That’s like saying to you, before you got on this program if you had taken a test were you taking cocaine or not. What do you think, huh? Are you a junkie?”

“I want to be clear, I’m not going nuts.”

“I mean, this idea of you know, Slow Joe … I — anyway I, I shouldn’t about it because uh anyway…”

“I am, uh, I am very willing to let the American public judge my physical mental fill — my physical as well as my mental fu fitness.”

So, that’s my list, and I’m sticking to it — at least until Biden utters his next gaffe, which should be any minute now.

For the record, I recently made a prediction: “A day before the first presidential debate, Biden will claim a ‘COVID diagnosis,’ necessitating he participate in the debates from his basement (where his handlers can easily script his answers on a teleprompter). A day after the last scheduled debate, he will report a full recovery and clean bill of health!”

Needless to say, I’m rooting for Biden to show up, because his absence would rob the American people of a plethora of new gaffes.

But in the meantime, here are some Biden gaffe videos for your viewing pleasure:

Biden Gaffes, Take 1

Biden Gaffes, Take 2

Biden Hugs Hillary

Semper Vigilans Fortis Paratus et Fidelis
Pro Deo et Libertate — 1776


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