Theater of the Absurd

“I decided to travel around the world a couple of times … shortly before the debate. … I didn’t listen to my staff … and then I almost fell asleep on stage.” —Joe Biden (“Joe spent a few days traveling the globe, returned 12 days before the debate, and then spent an entire week at Camp David preparing for the big night.” —Not the Bee)

Baghdad Bobs

“[Biden] was under the weather. He pushed through. That’s what this president does. … I think anybody who does that … should be commended.” —White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre regarding the debate

“The president traveled six time zones forward to G7 in Italy, nine time zones back to LA, and three time zones forward again to DC. … And on top of that he did have a cold.” —Karine Jean-Pierre

“We get tired looking at [Biden] doing his meetings and traveling.” —Karine Jean-Pierre

“The last few days have been challenging. … But we have had an extraordinary record to be proud of.” —Karine Jean-Pierre

“[Biden] is as sharp as ever as I have known him to be in my engagement and my experience with him.” —Karine Jean-Pierre

“He has the most historic record administration [sic], the most in modern politics. … A lot of what’s on his agenda is very much popular with [the] majority of the American people.” —Karine Jean-Pierre

“The president does do a lot of travel. I mean, he was … crisscrossing the entire world, then going right to Camp David obviously prior to the debate.” —Congressman Max Frost (D-FL)

“He traveled twice around the world. You know, he was exhausted.” —Biden campaign spokeswoman Adrienne Elrod

“It’s just getting a little silly here that we’re talking about one night in this presidential campaign where, yes, he had a bad night. But why are we letting that, you know, continue to make the news about what’s at stake in this race?” —Adrienne Elrod

“Obviously there were 90 minutes of a poor debate performance, but that does not define the record of accomplishments. It does not define the vision that President Biden has.” —Deputy Biden Campaign Manager Quentin Fulks

“People continue to count Joe Biden out, and we continue to see the president perform.” —Quentin Fulks

“I don’t think that the campaign and the White House are hiding anything.” —Quentin Fulks

Spin Doctor

“I think it would be unfair and inappropriate to try and diagnose something from just a 90-minute clip.” —Anthony Fauci

The BIG Lie

“This year the president has done more than 40 interviews. … He has done more than 500 gaggles.” —Karine Jean-Pierre

Non Compos Mentis

“If the president needs to find schedule accommodations to help to facilitate his focus on advancing our country … let’s find those accommodations.” —Senator Laphonza Butler (D-CA)

“If it’s Biden in a coma, I'ma vote for Biden in a coma. … Hitler, White House — we keeping [Trump] out.” —MSNBC’s Joy Reid

For the Record

“You know things are really bad when a Democrat president loses Carl Bernstein and Jake Tapper!” —Gary Bauer

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Follow Jordan Candler on X/Twitter.