Conan O'Brien: “Texas Senator Ted Cruz renounced his Canadian citizenship. That’s right Canada, we took Ted Cruz back, so now take back Justin Bieber.”

Conan O'Brien: “After the recent prisoner exchange, Obama’s approval rating with Americans has fallen to its lowest point so far. On the bright side, his approval rating with the Taliban is through the roof.”

Conan O'Brien: “For the second time in two days, President Obama snuck out of the White House. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, ‘In my day we snuck people into the White House.’”

Frank J. Fleming: “Tim Scott proves Republicans are so racist that they will only vote for black people who agree with them politically.”

Frank J. Fleming: “Republicans being racist is a matter of faith to Democrats. Saying ‘Republicans aren’t racist’ to a Dem is like saying ‘There is no God.’”

Fred Thompson: “Harry Reid said that the sale of his house would ‘create 60 jobs.’ Well, that’s 60 more than he’s created as majority leader.”

Argus Hamilton: “Joe Biden told the National Association of Manufacturers convention that America needs a steady unrelenting stream of new immigrants. There are a hundred million Americans out of work. On his way home Joe Biden’s train of thought derailed and there were no survivors.”

Argus Hamilton: “The U.S. is being flooded by illegal immigrant children taking advantage of President Obama’s executive order enacting the Dream Act. Law professors claim ruling by executive order is unconstitutional, but that’s not true. He just signed an executive order making it constitutional.”