In a recent New York Times op-ed titled “27 Ways to Be a Modern Man,” Brian Lombardi lays out the template for the metrosexual. The modern man knows his wife’s shoe size for when he buys her shoes, uses proper names for things like “helicopter” (“not ‘chopper’ like some gauche simpleton’), cries a lot, and "has no use for a gun.”

That led National Review’s Stephen Miller to respond with a few ideas of his own. For example, “Under no circumstances does the modern man ever attempt to buy his wife or girlfriend shoes. Ever. The modern man would be better off lighting a hundred-dollar bill on fire and stamping it to ashes in the street. Never in recorded human history has a man successfully bought his lady a pair of shoes. It’s a proven scientific fact. Give her the money and back away slowly.”

Also, “The modern man not only does not believe in ‘proper names for things,’ he will emphatically replace the ‘er’ suffix with an ‘ah’ given any opportunity. ‘Choppah’ not ‘chopper.’” And you can thank Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Predator” for that.

Finally, as for a use for a gun, “The modern man does not go to bed. He sits in his chair all night with a loaded gun, guarding the front door to his den like a boss.”