Columnist.
"I didn't think this through," Mamdani reportedly told one of his aides.
He made sure to prepare a foolproof fallback explanation for the failure of his progressive, socialist agenda.
"We've never seen kindness like this from a politician before," said one journalist.
"The shutdown must be about climate change or something else a lot more important-sounding."
Only the slightest differences, but they are there if you look closely.
"All you do is lay around," Ocasio-Cortez reportedly said, admonishing a woman actively in labor.
For the first time in decades, Americans are losing weight, and they owe it all to the government shutdown.
Hillary Clinton's box of cleaning cloths: How are people supposed to wipe their email servers now?
"Honestly, I can't think of anyone better to give our money to. At least, not since Joe Biden is unavailable."
Kid Rock: He'll actually just live there in the corner of the ballroom and perform whenever Trump asks him to.
According to experts, "Matlock" is the life and blood of the justice system, which is why he's so appealing to the elderly.
President Donald Trump was not shy about who he believed to be responsible. "Hunter Biden's legacy lives on," Trump said.
Everyone will remember where they were and what they were doing when the "No Kings" protests changed the world.
"There are still no monarchs. It's a massive success."
"We Retract Our Previous Article Reporting Trump Killed Eleventy-Billion Gazan Children With His Bare Hands."
"You having an exceptionally low IQ has absolutely nothing to do with your skin color, Ketanji. You're just an idiot."
"Eventually somebody will surely notice that the government is shut down. Right? We just need to be patient."
"When we chanted 'CEASEFIRE NOW!' we didn't mean like this."
"When you snub someone so badly, you deserve to become a meme."
"There has never been a greater hero for peace. It was all Greta."
