Columnist.
"I deeply, sincerely apologize to the special needs community for comparing you lovely people to Tim Walz," said Trump.
"This could be a huge boost in interest and revenue," said Steve Poppen, the team's Executive Vice President and Chief Business Administration Officer.
"Totally unnecessary and uncalled for," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.
"Nobody's got a case of this like mine," the president told the media in brief comments in the Oval Office.
"I can beat this story," Walz reportedly muttered to himself, reaching deep into his coat pockets for another package of tampons.
The host panel of "The View": They stage a new attack every single morning.
"Fake pardons! Off with their heads!" Trump loudly proclaimed as administration staffers lined the turkeys up.
"The mean IQ of a Congressman will still be roughly that of a baked potato, but we'll take it. She's been really dragging us down."
The radical Islamic extremist claimed to have an appointment with the president, provoking a swift response from the Secret Service.
No actual training in reporting facts: You don't want actual news to get in the way of telling your predetermined story.
"Little did we know — at least until just now — that the proper translation of '666' is actually '67.'"
"I don't know how Trump comes back from this," said a White House source on condition of anonymity.
Republicans always win elections so long as Trump keeps his arms raised: Vance and Rubio are only there to help keep them up.
"I had to endure getting my makeup done every day by professionals, and sometimes they messed up my eyeliner."
The federal government is set to hire just over five hundred elderly, mentally incapacitated individuals.
"This is indeed a mucho, mucho sad day," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries.
"I don't know what the American people are really expecting."
"That was an offer no one in their right mind could pass up," said Virginia Senator Tim Kaine.
"I got into politics because I wanted to make a difference," Mamdani said. "Today, I know I've succeeded."
She's now faced with the grim reality of having to trade stocks without insider info just like a regular peasant.
