Columnist.
A spokesperson says they hope this will put the "wild accusations" to rest.
"I will not stand by while Donald Trump abuses his power like a dictator."
"I personally witnessed Biden signing the pardons with my own two eyes," said former CIA Director John Brennan.
At publishing time, President Donald Trump had Meghan Markle arrested and charged with crimes against humanity.
"I literally had to get several swastikas tattooed on my face, but it was all worth it to defeat Hitler's second coming."
"We really don't know how to proceed. I wish there were some sort of department of fractions."
"She has been a big disappointment. Very sad. Very tragic, what she's done. We have to find out who did it."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we got him."
"All day I get to peer into people's private financial information and audit their every expenditure before they leave the building."
"We did it! I knew the little signs would work," said opposition leader Hagan Schulz.
Boy, they sure showed Trump. He'll think twice before crossing them ever again.
"These upper-middle class pilates ladies are perfect for the front lines."
"There are just so many great contenders, people with incredible resumes of degeneracy and deviancy."
"What a bold plan, telling the people you're depending on for survival that they are foolish and weak."
"This is bound to be the most horrifying story you've ever heard."
"Paid leave for the emotional trauma of being asked to work."
"Hid in the janitor's closet from the DOGE guys."
"I'm glad for the opportunity for a brief civics lesson with you and to help you all understand at your level."
"You can't just go around claiming to have the answer to complex math equations without demonstrating how you came to that conclusion."
It's about time we started getting answers to all of these mysteries.
