Columnist.
"I mean, laws are just things we like that we want to make everybody do, right?"
"I love the way the wind blows through your pink and green hair."
"We've got to do whatever it takes to keep the Californians out," said Texas Governor Greg Abbott.
"It is not possible for our leadership to negotiate any end to hostilities because we have no leadership."
"It's almost as if that investor had some sort of insider knowledge."
"They even gave me extra packets of sauce. I hope they take over the DMV next."
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"I'm going to donate my winnings to the Iranian government, by the way."
"It takes enormous courage to leave a government position for fame and money."
He was caught last year snuggling with another mullah on the Jumbotron at a Coldplay concert.
"This is how fascism starts!"
"It is, by all accounts, just a completely random tragedy," said one reporter.
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Iranian officials reportedly called the Democratic Party's national headquarters directly to enquire for tips.
"These Japanese men had the misfortune of coming close to where the bigoted Americans were staying."
"We will not tolerate the Islamophobia that compels Muslims to construct homemade explosives and toss them into crowds," said Mamdani.
"For too long, our great nation has been under siege and oppressed by the scourge of liberal white women."
"You put him back in charge, and we promise to end our nuclear program. For real, this time."
"There were experts in chemistry, mathematics, but no one well-versed in not dying."
