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February 26, 2013

Oscars ‘13: FLOTUS Declares Merger of Hollywood & State

WASHINGTON, DC – The People’s Cube official film critic from Canada has a massively opinionated attitude towards last night’s Oscars.

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By Tanya Krivel

Every year since Out of Africawon the 1985 Oscar for Best Art Direction (they got the same dishes Isak Dinesen had in her house, and then, if you’re a believer, God did the rest) instead of Brazil – a film which, even if you don’t share the director’s politics, is a brilliant work of art that not only pays homage to many classic films from many genres before it, but artfully exposes the dystopian nightmare that last evening’s Academy Awards ultimately represents – I’ve sworn I would never watch the Academy Awards again.

I was in the midst of film school, young and full of innocence and wonder at the possibilities that lay ahead, and so such gatherings of mutual adoration and presumption of the place of celebrity opinion in politics did not yet fill me with quite as much complete and utter contempt as it now does.

And yet, somehow, every year, I get sucked into doing it again – a classic example of Einstein’s definition of insanity; but to those of a more Pollyannaish bent, also an example that hope springs eternal. It may simply be brain damage at this point, but I always find an excuse.

I suppose this year my excuse was that I really wanted to see if the Academy would get it right and give either Ang Li or Benh Zeitlin the Best Director’s Oscar. At least they didn’t let me down in that respect.

I was excited that Yann Martel, a Canadian, wrote the novel, Life of Pi, which is actually a wonderful book, and Mychael Danna, another Canadian, won for best original score. In fact, several of my paesans won for their participation in the film. And barring it winning for Best Director, and Beasts of the Southern Wild being an absolutely lovely and magical film, Benh Zeitlin deserved to win had Ang Li not. So it wasn’t a completely horrid evening.

At least, not until it was time for the announcement of the Best Picture Winner.

My psychic friend, Madam Blavatsky (extra small medium at large), had quietly been predicting this since the late 19th century, and now it has finally happened: the White House has unquestionably become part of the Hollywood machine, and vice versa.

Now that the U.S. government has officially finished its transformation from a Culture of Character to a Cult of Personality, next year Barack Obama is going to win Best Director; and Scott Rudin will win Best Producer because he wasn’t even nominated this year. And while George Clooney, Ben Affleck, and Tony Kushner will be busy rewriting the U.S. Constitution, Harvey Weinstein will be the new President (to loosely quote Jennifer Lawrence at an earlier awards appearance this year, he’ll kill whoever he has to in order to make it happen).

I’m not ready to make any predictions for Best Actor/Actress or Best Supporting Actor/Actress noms or winners yet but, since there was a tie for sound editing this year, perhaps both Natasha and Malia can both win for supporting actress.

John Lasseter will undoubtedly win a Best Digital Effects Oscar for creating a new technology for interfacing with drones as well as take up some important position in the DoD, which will now either stand for the Department of Defense or the Division of Disney.

I could go on, but until they begin sending out all potential bills before the House on Blu-ray, I don’t quite trust the new voting system; and once they do, I don’t know what will happen as I’m sure most Republicans still can’t set the clocks on their VCRs… except maybe Paul Ryan. The Senate might do slightly better, but that could just be bipartisan profiling on my part…

I must say, Michelle Obama looked dazzling last night… Who was she wearing? And who were all those lamentably racially homogeneous youth in the ill-conceived Sergeant Pepper get-ups who were flanking her? Perhaps, like the over-eager film student helpers on stage at the actual Awards ceremony, they produced videos on their visions for the future structure and strategies for the lateral integration of the United States Government and the Hollywood Juggernaut, to be ensconced in the future Academy Museum, soon to be housed in the Capitol Building, while the House is to be moved to the Epcot Center in Florida – a bonus for the health of those in Congress who still can’t set the clocks on their VCRs.

“Mwah! Mwah!” Everyone must now remember to ‘air kiss’ each other on both cheeks!

At The People’s Cube, we do NOT equate all “liberals” with communists. The purpose of this website is to pick up “liberal” hitchhikers and give them a ride to the communist wonderland – the inevitable end result of their “well-meaning” policies.

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