March 6, 2013

What if There Is a God and It’s Not Barack Obama?

WASHINGTON, DC – Credentialed specialists in political cosmology and government-approved astrophysics are grappling with a mind-bending possibility: What if there is some force other than government power that is responsible for the world in which we live?

This unexpected schism is caused by recent experiments at the Large Handout Deficit Collider, in which generated sequester particles did not cause the universe to implode as predicted.

The original plan called for shooting highly charged irresistible Keynsian public stimulus forces at immovable wealthy private capital objects, in the hope of creating enough monetary fusion products to keep the economy’s momentum from decelerating for another summer.

Theoreticians believed if the deficit could not reach sanity escape velocity, huge numbers of sequester particles would be released, which would generate financial black holes and quickly envelop all observable too-big-to-fail banks, eventually compressing the entire world economy into a space smaller than Joe Biden’s brain.

However, instead of causing fiscal black holes or any other observable damage, the created sequester particles quickly vanished without a trace – just like a California state budget surplus crapon, a hypothetical particle which has never been observed in nature.

Such an outcome seems even more counter-intuitive than Einstein’s famous Theory of Hiring Relatives, for it suggests the existence of a force much stronger than government spending ions inside the economic nucleus – and that this unidentified force is, in fact, what’s holding all fiscal matter in the universe together.

These unforeseen results have left experts grasping for alternative explanations.

“They didn’t use powerful enough Keynesian stimulus forces!,"says Nobel Prize winner in Economic Physics, Paul Krugman. "Everybody knows Keynesian stimulus forces are not irresistible in small doses. You have to generate a large enough charge to poison one of Schrodinger’s Fat Cats at a range of 500 AU (agricultural subsidy units – editors). To do this you need massive amounts of green energy from federally-subsidized solar and wind projects.”

“Science tells us that the Treasury issues debt and the Federal Reserve buys it back,” Krugman said. “The angular momentum generated by this rotation is what keeps the earth spinning on its axis. Galileo proved this centuries ago with his federally-funded telescopes. The idea that there is some force other than the government making things work is heresy!”

As it were, until government spending accelerators can produce more deficit isotopes to fuel its pork-barrel reactors, further experiments must be put on hold, leaving experts like Krugman no option but to try and shout down anyone who disagrees with them.

Furthermore, if the discovery cannot be disproved or forced underground by violent street protests, its long-term ramifications are frightening. According to some scholars, it would imply that there could be universes where unicorns don’t exist and maybe even where socialism doesn’t work, as hard as that is to believe.

And yet many in the scientific community deem the conclusion false, proof be damned.

“Money makes the world go round,” says head of the U.S. Department of the Treasury, Jacob Lew. “And the dollar is a fiat currency, which means the Federal Reserve creates money out of nothing. And Barack Obama appoints the Fed Chairman. Ergo, President Obama is the ultimate power in this world. The logic is impeccable; there can be no argument. The science is settled.”

“It took womankind centuries to free herself from superstitions and irrational beliefs that have no basis in fact,” noted the influential feminist author, Naomi Wolf. “For me to believe this conclusion would mean to reject every modern idea I ever learned in grad school. You might as well ask me to believe in the Laffer Curve or that my health insurance will cost me more under ObamaCare.”

More importantly, famous people frequently seen on TV also remain skeptical. Climate scientist Al Gore makes the most convincing case: “How can we trust any scientist without the peer reviews and celebrity endorsements? All I see is a bunch of heterosexual white men playing tricks with numbers and data. Anyone can prove anything by doing that.

"In real science we always draw our curve first, then plot our data. That way, you always know what you’re going to get. Otherwise, only Gaia knows what kind of non-scientific junk you may come up with,” Gore said.

White House spokesman, Jay Carney, summed it up this way: “We know Climate Change is real, so whenever the ‘numbers’ don’t bear it out, that only means the numbers are wrong. This case is similar in all respects. Trust me, we know exactly what we’re doing.”

This article is a satirical collaboration with The People’s Cube contributor, Opiate of the People.

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