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March 15, 2013

The Audacity of Notes

I’m gonna sit right down and write myself a letter from Obama.

Ever since I signed up at the website to request a free bumper sticker, I have been receiving regular friendly emails from various people I never met, who share with me their concerns and life stories. All these different people have one thing in common: they write to me in the same caring, soothing voice, using the same simple words and sentences.

And while the issues may vary, every such heart-warming letter invariably asks me to carry out the same four actions: tell others to pay a little more in taxes; use my email, Facebook, and Twitter to ask Congress to help Obama to make America a better place; share my personal success story that involves some sort of government assistance; and give them three dollars so they can keep sending me these nice and friendly reminders to ask others to pay more taxes, to pressure Congress through social media, to make up stories about how the government helped them to stop being a loser, and to send them money.

After several months their emails began to merge into one warm, fuzzy blur; I can no longer tell what the issue is that they presently care about, but there is always a guaranteed certainty that I can help someone or something if only I do the same ritualistic four-step dance and send them three dollars so they can go on caring about issues.

On the plus side, I have learned to write these letters to myself in my head whenever the nice and caring people at fail to send me one. This is what they look like:

Subject: SAY NO TO BREADCRUMBS! Campaign Against Pigeon Obesity

Dear Friend,

A recent government study of the alarming obesity rates among inner-city pigeons has discovered that this debilitating disorder is caused by America’s addiction to feeding the birds with breadcrumbs that are high in carbohydrates and low in nutrition. Unable to fly, the overweight birds spend their lives with nothing better to do than to engage in depraved, indiscriminate sex with other pigeons.

This study has inspired First Lady Michelle Obama to organize a “SAY NO TO BREADCRUMBS!” campaign with the purpose of raising awareness about how much she cares about the proper diet and exercise among low-income Avian-Americans.

But she can’t do it without you.

She needs you to use your email, Facebook, and Twitter to tell Congress to ban breadcrumbs and to pass a bill that would make the use and possession of breadcrumbs a felony, with violators being subject to heavy fines and/or imprisonment, as well as to secure five hundred million dollars to fight inner-city pigeon obesity by issuing government food rations and promoting a healthy avian lifestyle, which will include group flying lessons and pigeon-size condoms to prevent an increase in urban populations due to excessive recreational sex caused by their inability to do anything else.

We need to send a strong signal about where Americans stand on this issue. All it takes is for all of us together to start paying a little more in taxes.

Chip in $3 or more to Organizing for Action, the grassroots movement that will get the job done.

Subject: ANIMAL JUSTICE: tell Congress to stop abusing our pets!

Dear Friend,

In a recent online chat at Google Hangout, the first lady explained to her audiences the steps they all need to take in order to comply with correct pet-caring procedures. Her remarks were met with overwhelming support from groups of concerned citizens. This inspired Michelle Obama to push the issue a little further, with a new “ANIMAL JUSTICE” campaign to end domestic abuse of pets, in which many American engage on a daily basis by feeding their dogs inappropriate food and depriving them of necessary exercise.

The only way to help the defenseless animals is to pressure Congress via your email, Facebook, and Twitter to ban the unauthorized sale of pet food and to pass a bill that would make animal feeding a felony, with violators being subject to heavy fines and/or imprisonment.

It is only fair that all domestic pets be fed by specially trained government pet-feeders who must have unrestricted access to pet-owners’ premises at all times. The health of our pets also requires that they be walked by licensed pet-walkers who will make sure the pet is properly exercised, and who will electronically tag all ensuing pet droppings, which the owners must then collect using government-issued GPS tracking devices within specified time limits, lest they be subject to heavy fines and/or imprisonment.

This will, of course, require a new, well-funded government program, for which pet owners will have to pay just a little more in taxes.

Tell Congress to do the right thing!

Subject: HOME COOKING: tell Congress to end the practice of unsupervised food preparation!

Dear Friend,

You probably know that the first lady is very concerned about your well-being. That is why she has always opposed home cooking. Government studies show that the plague of unsupervised, unlicensed home cooking has long been causing immeasurable suffering on its unsuspecting victims throughout the United States.

Michelle Obama has made it her goal to eliminate the concept of a kitchen from the modern living environment – and now she has a plan that will also create millions of new jobs for Americans.

But she will need your help.

Send Congress a message via email, Facebook, and Twitter and tell them to ban all sales of food items and cooking utensils to private citizens, making home food preparation a felony punishable by heavy fines and/or imprisonment. The people must demand the creation of a comprehensive kitchen removal and disposal program, whereby government technicians would uninstall all existing kitchen equipment in private homes, ending this outdated custom once and for all.

Concerns about public health require that all citizens consume prescribed rations in specially designated feeding areas, administered to them by trained government people-feeders on the basis of a correct menu calculated by government nutritionists.

To make this dream a reality, all we need to do is pay a little more in taxes. Most of the lower-income and middle-class family budgets will not be affected, considering how much this program will save them by eliminating food shopping from their lives. Cooking-utensil buyback programs, such as “Cash for Kitchenware,” will further incentivize this lifestyle transformation.

This plan has already been endorsed by prominent government officials, including Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who praised its obvious benefits, such as prevention of accidental burns, food poisonings, and kitchen fires.

Such a program will finalize the complete liberation of women from the shackles of family, as well as give all citizens a gift of additional free hours every day, which they can use to contact Congress via email, Facebook, and Twitter and ask their representatives to improve their lives with more bans, taxes, and government programs.

Subject: FAIR HOUSING: tell Congress to end housing disparity!

Dear Friend,

Brace yourself.

Did you know that some indecently opulent lawn ornaments in Florida could have paid for a decent home for a struggling middle-class family in Ohio?

Congress can stop this right away – but not without your help.

We need you to use your email, Facebook, and Twitter to tell Congress to ban private homes and make living in private residences a felony punishable by heavy fines and/or imprisonment. Demand that the lawmakers do the right thing and put an end to the glaring injustice of housing disparity.

A fairer approach, deserving of a just and advanced society, is to move all citizens to government housing facilities built in UN-approved, environmentally compliant areas, where they would no longer need to worry about mortgages, property taxes, maintenance and repairs, or owning a private vehicle.

Not only will this save innumerable gallons of water currently wasted on private lawns; such a plan will also dramatically improve the quality of garbage collection and recycling, as well as streamline all other government programs, such as feeding humans and their pets by designated government caretakers, monitoring their behavior for possible violations, and transporting their offspring to government-supervised educational, recreational, and nutritional care centers.

While this plan will require that all of us begin to pay a little more in taxes, it will surely be offset by not having material, and often emotional, costs associated with living in an individual residence. As an added bonus, citizens whose housing and nutritional needs are provided by the government will have a lot more free time on their hands to contact Congress via email, Facebook, and Twitter to demand more government programs.

Citizens whose government takes care of all their needs are the really free citizens. Remember that only by empowering the government can we liberate the middle class and other struggling communities from the need to take care of themselves. This, friends, is the true liberty envisioned for us by the founders.

Michelle and Barack Obama need your help to bring this vision to life. They want you to know that everything they have done so far would have been impossible without your help.

Share with us your personal stories and tell us why you would like the government to provide food and shelter for you and your pet. We will make sure Congress sees your testimonies and takes immediate action.

If Congress fails to act, this fight doesn’t end tomorrow. We’ll just need to put even more pressure on Republicans to pass the president’s balanced plan. Join this fight now.


This message is brought to you by Michelle and Barack Obama’s campaign to raise awareness about how much they care.

Oleg Atbashian, a writer and graphic artist from Ukraine, currently lives in New York. He is the creator of, a satirical website where he writes under the name of Red Square. He is the author of recently published Shakedown Socialism.

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