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April 18, 2013

American Financial Industry to Replace the Dollar With Food Stamps?

As experts ponder the implications of America’s stepping-back from world political leadership, finance professionals are openly discussing what the world will be like without the U.S. dollar as the primary unit of international and domestic trade. In the meantime, American businesses are considering the benefits of a new economy based on food stamps.

“While the dollar’s future is glum, the food stamp is on its ascendency,” said Melanie Carnegie, a senior financial analyst at the non-partisan Cloward-Piven Strategy Institute in Washington, DC.

“We at Cloward-Piven are actively working with big corporations, such as J.P. Morgan and Xerox, to get them into Food Stamp distribution programs.”

“We also assist them in lobbying Washington politicians to qualify all citizens for food stamps as a replacement for dollars in terms of purchases and even savings,” she said.

According to Carnegie, the number of food stamp recipients in the last three years increased by over 15 million and now represents well over 10% of US households.

“More and more people are becoming comfortable with food stamps, and soon I think the public will be willing to give up cash in favor of the EBT card,” she said. “This is the change we’ve been waiting for.”

The change is obvious: once relegated to the poor and stigmatized, the Food Stamp program is not just becoming more accepted, it is looking very lucrative for many U.S. businesses struggling with a slow recovery and a large pool of potential customers sidelined from the market by unemployment.

“Everyone knows that food stamps stimulate the economy by putting purchasing power back in the hands of the unemployed, but the really great thing about them is that you don’t even have to be unemployed to get them,” Carnegie said.

“Plus, they are not regulated in the same manner as the U.S. dollar is, and so this gives the President more flexibility to increase the supply.”

Carnegie added that this flexibility also allows the White House to redirect funds more equitably than private bank accounts and personal finances. She envisions a time when every U.S. citizens will only need one EBT card instead of multiple accounts.

“The credit card will soon also go the way of the dollar,” Carnegie noted. “Poor citizens notoriously have difficulty getting credit or managing their debt. But the EBT program allows the government to assist them in managing their finances so that they will always have enough to eat.”

Some speculate that the EBT card must also include specifications for purchases, such as quotas of certain products that must be acquired. This will help poor families, who typically have dietary management issues, to make good food choices.

“The EBT will set a ‘budget’ for a family, telling them what kinds of groceries to buy,” said Carnegie. “You may see a time when the EBT will have an associated app for your government-issued phone to guide you to the nearest store, or to the one with the shortest lines. There’s no end to the possibilities.”

Will the dollar be missed? Many American businesses seem to be pragmatic enough to overcome their sentimental attachment to the dollar in favor of something more profitable.

“Our nation is moving in a new direction and there’s no way back,” Carnegie said. “Big corporations understand that and are willing to assist the government by providing the technological know-how to make this work.”

“Corporate executives want to get in on the top floor of this program to lock in their positions. It is going to happen, and now is the time to act,” she added optimistically.

This article is a satirical collaboration of The People’s Cube authors under the collective name of Igor Toutellalai.

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