Jim Darlington / May 3, 2013

Even Paranoids Have Homeland Security

The Prince of Darkness wants to rub his hands and roar in glee to the night, but he just smiles quietly. The Captains of Industry, the Lords of Governance and the High Priests of the Anti-Faith, whom he has groomed to perfection, sit at the table. He hovers nearby as a shadow, unseen. They know nothing of his person. They know him only as the thrill of the promise of greater power that animates each one. They know him as the hungry hatred for the God that would dare command them. They know him, insatiably, as a driving lust to destroy any trace of His goodness, any light that might shine truth on their plans to rule as gods of their very own making.

There’s still work to do, he knows, but the time is now so near, so near.

“Boston! Report!”

“The brothers pulled it off as they’d planned. We’ve been watching them for months and making ready the exercise. Though the final body count was disappointing, the rest could not have gone better. In fact, the magnitude of the drill, our success in closing down the entire city, and this absolutely incredible multi-force house to house over 20 blocks, the complete control over the population, their utter passivity, it is all the more astounding, given that the basis was only four dead and a search for a single teenager! Who would have dreamed of this reaction ten years ago! Then we let them come out of their cages and the fools cheered us in the streets, as conquering heroes! We will continue to analyze the results and look forward to simultaneous, multiple-city exercises in the near future. Thank you. Thank you all for the brilliant roles you’ve each played.”

“Caliphate, U.S.! Report!”

“Thank. Thank you. Thank you my friends. As your humble Servant, faithful Ally and Great Imam, I can tell you we have never had such pleasure helping our very own accursed infidels! We lie and you have our back! We kill your people and you tell everyone we were just some mixed up kids! Your whole country is like the mother of some cross-dressing Jew. She tells everyone, ‘Harry, with the dresses, he’s such a joker, such a kidder, such a clown!’ We fill your whole country with Mosques that teach us to hate you and kill you when the time is right. Then we go outside and say we’re the religion of peace and you all agree! You think we’re jokers and kidders! Our poor people can’t cheer in the streets anymore when we kill you. They’re all home laughing too hard. So good luck with your Revolution. And we promise, sincerely, not to start killing any of you, if we can avoid it, till at least the day after you’ve won! Thank you!”

“Pentagon! Report!”

“Today, culminating many years of heroic labor, laying the ground work, we have fired the true coup de grace, not merely into the back of the head of the filthy religion that hobbles our military, but assuredly, I say, we have killed the last possibility, that these right-wingers might have, of waiting us out, for the turning of tides. Today we proclaimed to the world that the Christers have no longer the right to so much as speak that stinking name wherever the uniform is worn. Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, Coast Guard. Under pain of Court Marshall! (Applause) This principal will be applied to ever widening spheres. The TSA. All interior Civil Forces. Every Federal Employee. Every institution that we can bend. And have no doubt Comrades. That will soon be all of them. I yield the floor to Homeland Security.”

“Homeland Security! Report!”

“My Friends, today we are seeing the proofs we have been waiting for, that we can do what none have believed possible up until now. Prepare yourselves, for day of Power! It will come ever so much sooner than anyone dares to imagine. The next mass murder will be the trigger. We’re ready! And it’s going to be big! We are watching and massaging half a dozen possibles across the country. I’m especially excited about a band of three white ones, and we think they’ve been persuaded that going in with an American flag will make it all so much more fun! We’ll see. The people in Media are insisting, that’s what is needed, but we’ll work with whatever hits first, if it hits big enough. But this is it folks, this is the story. We’re going to war and we’re ready. We’re going to war and we’re going to win, in a very final and absolute way. You know we’ve been pushing the Right with every provocation and insult possible. And they’ve been dreaming that they could sit pretty and wait for us to run out of steam! That’s not going to happen now, is it?! It won’t happen because we are ready to go for the guns. Because we are ready to kick dirt in the face of their Savior till nothing can save them from going completely ballistic, in the very realest sense of that word. What we saw in Boston is the first step in the escalations coming to a neighborhood near you and I mean soon! Marshall Law in 2014! It’s coming! Watch it Folks. We’re going to save America from the Savior! And it’s going to be a Blast! Power to the People!”

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