Burt Prelutsky / Sep. 8, 2011

Goofballs to the Left of Me, Nut Jobs to the Right

I'm not a religious person, but I'm happy to acknowledge that those who have boundless faith are often the salt of the earth. So if they choose to interpret the six days of Creation as different from the 24-hour variety the rest of us are familiar with, I can live with it. I don't even have a problem with accepting that God managed evolution, fine-tuning what He had created in the first place.

I’m not a religious person, but I’m happy to acknowledge that those who have boundless faith are often the salt of the earth. So if they choose to interpret the six days of Creation as different from the 24-hour variety the rest of us are familiar with, I can live with it. I don’t even have a problem with accepting that God managed evolution, fine-tuning what He had created in the first place.

But I’m afraid that when it comes to believing that the earth is only a few thousand years old and that dinosaurs and saber-toothed tigers prowled the planet that recently, a belief that contradicts fossils, carbon-dating and common sense, I find it as preposterous as I do Islamic fundamentalists who insist that some schmuck who turns himself into a bomb and blows up innocent people gets a one-way ticket on the Paradise Express, and when he arrives at the depot, there are 72 virgins waiting to greet him and help him with his luggage.

Recently, when my friend Bernard Goldberg told Bill O'Reilly that he didn’t believe that the earth was a mere 6,000 years old, he received a ton of email from angry Fox viewers. The nicer ones simply dismissed him as a fool. In most cases, though, they used language you wouldn’t expect to hear in church or even a saloon.

When I say I will vote for anyone but Obama, I mean it. But if “anyone” turns out to be someone who lacks the intelligence to find a little breathing room in his theology for basic science, I won’t be happy about it. In carrying out his duties, it probably doesn’t matter how long the President of the United States believes the planet has been around. But if he’s convinced that Adam ate the apple that recently, God only knows what other nonsense fills his cranium.

Moving on, I am surprised that Muammar Gaddafi still hasn’t been discovered. I mean, how hard can it be to spot someone who dresses like that? I can only assume he’s found a way to blend in. So, either he’s performing as a Vegas lounge act, is employed as the head usher at the Radio City Music Hall or he’s strutting his stuff on a fashion runway in Paris or Milan.

For years now, the liberals have tried to turn the federal government into one huge Mary Poppins, the world’s most invasive nanny. What I hadn’t been aware of until being alerted by S.E. Cupp is that Manhattan’s District Attorney, Cyrus Vance, Jr., has taken it upon himself to banish not only guns, but switchblades and gravity knives from his jurisdiction.

Mr. Vance, whose father was Jimmy Carter’s Secretary of State, who helped usher in 30 years of Islamic terrorism by welcoming the Ayatollah Khomeini back into Iran, obviously didn’t fall too far from the family tree. Over the past year, under threat of prosecution, Vance has forced a number of retail outlets, including Home Depot, to remove the knives from their stores and to forfeit the prior four years of profits they’d derived from selling them.

I have no doubt that this campaign has upset Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who has spent the past several years taking bows for banishing trans fats from New York City. Bloomberg has to be worried that D.A. Vance will ride his glorious victory over sharp objects right straight into Gracie Mansion.

In order to ward off the challenge, rumor has it that Bloomberg has now set his sights on those New Yorkers he has reason to suspect have family-size containers of toothpaste, mouthwash and shampoo, in their bathrooms. After all, if these items are lethal at 35,000 feet, how harmless can they possibly be at sea level?

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