Burt Prelutsky / Oct. 13, 2011

Chastising Cain, Coulter and Colmes

I am not a wealthy person. If I were, I would pay as little in income taxes as I could possibly get away with. I would hire excellent accountants to assist me in this endeavor. For one thing, I'd know that I was already paying far too much in a nation in which nearly half the people don't pay anything. For another, I would regard it as something of a sacred mission to make sure that the federal government didn't get its hands on any more of my money than I could help, in the same way that I wouldn't finance a drug addict if I happened to be related to one. And unlike all those various goons and chiselers I despise in Washington, I might actually like my relative.

I am not a wealthy person. If I were, I would pay as little in income taxes as I could possibly get away with. I would hire excellent accountants to assist me in this endeavor. For one thing, I’d know that I was already paying far too much in a nation in which nearly half the people don’t pay anything. For another, I would regard it as something of a sacred mission to make sure that the federal government didn’t get its hands on any more of my money than I could help, in the same way that I wouldn’t finance a drug addict if I happened to be related to one. And unlike all those various goons and chiselers I despise in Washington, I might actually like my relative.

However, if I were one of those rich people like Nancy Pelosi, Matt Damon, Roseanne Barr and Warren Buffett, who keep yammering like a bunch of monkeys that taxes should be raised on the well-to-do, I would shut my mouth and simply write a real big check and mail it off to the IRS. After all, just because normal people prefer to donate their hard-earned money to the Salvation Army, the Boy Scouts, cancer research and their church or synagogue, it doesn’t mean that left-wing morons can’t donate to their own favorite charity, which just happens to be the federal government.

Although the next election is still a year away, it’s not too early to start objecting to lame duck sessions. Why on earth should a president, a senator and a member of Congress, continue to stay on the job that he’s just lost? Perhaps in the old days, when people had to travel by horse and buggy, and Philadelphia and Washington, D.C., were far away, it took time for winning candidates to get to the nation’s capital. But today, anyone can get there in less than 24 hours.

In the private sector, when you lose a job, you clean out your drawers and leave the same day. At most, you might get two weeks’ notice. But in Washington, you get to stick around for nearly three additional months. If you were voted out, it’s because we’re sick and tired of the mischief you’ve been creating for the past two, four or six years, and we want you gone. From my point of view, it shouldn’t even be legal that people who have been voted out of office get to keep writing bills and passing laws.

Speaking of things that make no sense, I realize that Fox likes to promote itself as the network that’s “Fair and Balanced.” So I wouldn’t object if they invited left-wingers on to debate issues once in a great while. I might even consider it a public service. After all, I find that after five minutes of listening to Alan Colmes, Leslie Marshall, Geraldo Rivera or Marc Lamont Hill, doing their best to prop up Barack Obama, I’m reminded all over again why liberals should never be trusted anywhere near sharp tools, machinery or voting booths. But when, time and again, I see Juan Williams on Bret Baier’s panel or find him sitting in for Bill O'Reilly, I can’t help wondering what the heck the man has on Roger Ailes. But whatever it is, it must pale by comparison to what Bob Beckel has on the old man. At least Juan Williams manages to remain upright and awake during his appearances, even if I don’t.

I must admit I was disappointed when I heard Herman Cain pile on Rick Perry. If I had his ear, I would tell him that just because a reporter asks you a question, there is no good reason to waste your time answering it. Remember, he is not your friend and even if you get the nomination, he will not vote for you. In fact, he will do everything in his power to make certain you lose the election. So, if you want to insult someone, make it Obama. Saying “no comment” is not only permissible, it should be mandatory when the question involves another Republican contender.

What Mr. Cain, along with all the other men and women seeking the GOP nomination, should keep in mind is that knocking your competitors is not going to gain you any votes. It will merely make his or her supporters think less of you. The reason that Mrs. Bachmann went down in the polls, even after nosing out Ron Paul in that silly popularity contest in Iowa, is because she wasted time in two debates engaged in pissing contests with Tim Pawlenty and Rick Perry. It hurt them without helping her, giving new meaning to a Pyrrhic victory.

For some reason, Republican politicians keep paying homage to Ronald Reagan, all the while ignoring his 11th Commandment. It’s high time the candidates took his words to heart. Speak ill of a fellow Republican and suffer the consequences.

Speaking of Republicans, what was the deal with Chris Christie? I admit that I enjoyed watching him shoot down that New Jersey teacher, but he’s hardly a conservative’s idea of a knight in shining armor. He’s at best a moderate when it comes to the 2nd Amendment, he’s okay with civil servants being unionized, he’s a big booster of green energy, he’s soft on illegal immigration and he subscribes to the notion of man-made global warming. I, for one, am delighted that he removed himself once and for all from the presidential sweepstakes. Even without his weighty presence, that debate stage is already much too crowded.

But it sure made me wonder why the heck Ann Coulter had seemingly made it her mission in life to get Christie the nomination. Could it simply be that Annie has a thing for fatties?

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