Burt Prelutsky / Oct. 20, 2011

Why Won't Al Franken Leave Me Alone?

I used to sympathize with my wife because every day's mail brought her half a dozen requests from the likes of the RNC, Newt Gingrich and Dick Morris, to send money. She rarely sent any money, but she would faithfully fill out the enclosed questionnaires. No matter how often I would tell her that they weren't interested in her opinion, only her checkbook, she would labor on. When she was in one of her feistier moods, she would ask me what made me think anyone was interested in my opinion. I blamed such outbursts on her youth.

I used to sympathize with my wife because every day’s mail brought her half a dozen requests from the likes of the RNC, Newt Gingrich and Dick Morris, to send money. She rarely sent any money, but she would faithfully fill out the enclosed questionnaires. No matter how often I would tell her that they weren’t interested in her opinion, only her checkbook, she would labor on. When she was in one of her feistier moods, she would ask me what made me think anyone was interested in my opinion. I blamed such outbursts on her youth.

But things have changed. Although I rarely receive the sort of junk mail Yvonne gets, over the past few months I have started receiving political email requesting my financial support. What makes it so foolish, aside from the fact that I can barely make ends meet as it is, is that it’s all coming from the Left. I don’t know how or why it happened, but I have suddenly found myself the recipient of political junk mail from Frank Lautenberg, John Kerry, Al Franken and Jason Rosenbaum, who works for the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC).

Jason alerted me to the fact that “the Senate Democrats cleaned up the House Republicans’ mess again, narrowly averting a government shutdown.” He claimed to need $210,000 in the next 72 hours to keep the Boehner-Cantor crew from taking over the Senate, and he assumed I could kick in at least five dollars to help keep the barbarians at the gates. Well, for openers, he must know something I don’t know about the date of the next election because I assumed it wasn’t taking place until November, 2012. For another thing, I would only consider kicking in a few bucks if it would help cause a government shutdown.

In his letter, John Kerry reminded me that if the Democrats lose just four of the 23 Democratic seats in the Senate that will be up for grabs in 2012, the GOP will have free rein in Washington. He was also willing to settle for $5 from this notorious cheapskate, but he insisted that the DSCC absolutely needed $235,000 within the next 72 hours. I could only assume that Teresa has put him on a strict budget and the extra $25,000 he was asking for was to augment his allowance.

In his letter, Sen. Kerry warned that if the DSCC didn’t hit its financial goal immediately, “We will cede the megaphone and the whole playing field to the most radical voices that keep on saying America can’t get the job done.” I assume it’s his contention that the real troublemakers are the folks voicing their pessimism as opposed to those who presently control the White House and the Senate and who obviously can’t get the job done.

Kerry went on: “This election is a choice. Either we come together as Americans to solve tough problems, or hide under a rock and pretend that if we just don’t ‘believe’ the science, our problems don’t exist.” What is fascinating about that sentence is that nowhere else in the message is anything said about “science,” but one has to assume this is code for “global warming” or “climate change” or whatever term the Left is using this week when referring to Al Gore’s favorite weather hoax.

In Al Franken’s message, he suggests that, again with a $5 contribution, I can “stick it to the Tea Party.” But, Al, being a true Leftist, is never a piker when it comes to other people’s money. He doesn’t suggest that Armageddon can be staved off by an infusion of a mere $210,000 or even $235,000 in the next 72 hours. Not hardly! Al Franken, who has looked into the crazed eyes of Tea Party members and seen madness lurking in the depths, claims that nothing less than $364,000 will keep us all safe from the evil clutches of America’s hostage-taking grandparents.

In case you’re curious, yes, I have written back explaining my own political position. But they must see me as a challenge because the requests have only increased over the past month. Perhaps they’re thinking that if they can get me to part with that five dollar bill, it could spell the difference between victory and defeat in 2012. Perhaps they’ve heard the old truism that as Prelutsky goes, so goes the nation.

All I can say, to paraphrase Charlton Heston, is that they will have to pry that five dollar bill out of my cold, dead, hands.

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