From The Comedy Store
The State Department just bought thousands of books written by Barack Obama for overseas distribution. He gets a fifteen percent royalty on each book sold to his own government. Bill Clinton cannot believe there is actually something he didn’t think of first.
Rick Perry went on Fox News and accused Mitt Romney of flip-flopping on the issues. The charge didn’t go unanswered. Mitt Romney responded by saying Rick Perry doesn’t know what he is talking about, but praised him for his breadth of knowledge.
The State Department just bought thousands of books written by Barack Obama for overseas distribution. He gets a fifteen percent royalty on each book sold to his own government. Bill Clinton cannot believe there is actually something he didn’t think of first.
Ohio police pulled over thirty year-old Erin Holdsworth after a high speed car chase and found her topless and wearing only fishnet stockings and high heels. The cops chased her for miles. No one could figure out when the congressman fell out of the car.
President Obama lowered student loan interest rates and ordered student loans be forgiven after twenty years. He said forgiving a debt is the most honorable thing that someone can do. That’s a joke he used in China last year to break up the bond traders.
President Obama angered Congress by bypassing lawmakers to lower student loan interest rates. Student loan debt quintupled in the last ten years. It now costs two hundred thousand dollars over four years to teach a kid that everything is America’s fault.
Bernie Madoff’s wife Ruth said that when the Ponzi scam was exposed they tried to commit suicide together. They stood near an open window and took Ambien. Now the FDA requires the drug companies to list arrest and imprisonment as one of the side effects.
Greece triggered a world stock market dive Tuesday by scheduling a vote on the EU bailout plan that cuts Greek benefits. They want a lot of benefits paid for by borrowed money, then they want all the debts forgiven. It’s the Occupy the Mediterranean Movement.
President Obama took his physical Monday and the White House doctor pronounced him finally to be tobacco free. We know it’s true because he told the doctor he’s quit and the doctor wrote it down, and now it’s on the Teleprompter. That’s three sources right there.
Occupy Wall Street protestors complained that homeless people have infiltrated the park for the free food. They’re just furious about it. Everybody’s sitting around wish that there was a way to help the downtrodden without a lot of losers trying to get in on it.
The FBI released surveillance video of Russian spies exchanging documents in U.S. shopping malls last year. We exchanged ten of the Russian spies for four U.S. spies caught in Russia. We can’t even effect a spy swap without running up a sixty percent deficit.
Apple executives confirmed reports that Apple’s constructing a solar energy company in North Carolina. Why go solar? General Electric just told them if they can get a government loan for a green energy project, they’ll never have to pay income taxes again.
Planter’s announced that peanut butter prices will go up forty percent Monday along with similar price hikes for Jiffy and Peter Pan. It won’t stop people from buying peanut butter. Anything that sticks to the roof of your mouth counts as two meals in this economy.
Governor Jerry Brown proposed a rollback on public employee benefits Wednesday and a raise in the state employee retirement age to sixty-seven. A busy year awaits him. Minorities are pressing hard to have English recognized as California’s third language.
