From The Comedy Store
President Obama told Australian school kids that U.S. kids had fallen behind in mathematics and science. The insult didn’t go unnoticed. The next day U.S. kids called a press conference and said that President Obama had fallen behind Romney and Gingrich.
NBC News hired Chelsea Clinton to report for Brian Williams’s newsmagazine show on Monday nights. NBC also hired Jenna Bush for the Today Show and Meghan McCain for MSNBC. The network has a strict hiring policy that if daddy loses, you have to do cable.
The Secret Service arrested Oscar Ortega for firing two bullets at the White House while the first family was out of town. One cracked a window. The way Congress has been selling itself to lobbyists, broken windows in the neighborhood was the next logical step.
President Obama told Australian school kids that U.S. kids had fallen behind in mathematics and science. The insult didn’t go unnoticed. The next day U.S. kids called a press conference and said that President Obama had fallen behind Romney and Gingrich.
House Republicans passed a bill allowing citizens with state permits to carry concealed weapons to cross state lines with the guns. In order to stop the bill in the Senate, the Democrats will have to plead states’ rights. The betting is, they’d rather get shot.
Congress weighed raising revenue by lowering tax rates and eliminating deductions for wealthier Americans. It’s very taxpayer-convenient. Under the plan you can get your tax refund check mailed to you or have it deposited directly into your gas station.
New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices top one hundred dollars a barrel this week, sending gasoline prices through the roof again. It’s dismaying. Last week during the morning rush hour, Los Angeles police pulled over a van with fifty legal Americans in it.
The Super Committee failed to get a budget deal in Congress Monday. None of them wanted to risk their jobs by voting for something unpopular. Forbes just revealed that there are two hundred fifty millionaires sitting in Congress, the rest are in their first term.
Newt Gingrich addressed an Iowa family values group. He urged Occupation Wall Street protesters to go home, to get a bath and to get a job. Newt has surged to the top because he’s one of the two GOP candidates who can remember three things at a time.
New York cops arrested lone wolf al-Qaeda sympathizer Jose Pimintel. They caught him making pipe bombs. He’s also known as Muhammad Yusef, but he uses his Hispanic name so he can come back and forth across the U.S. border without being stopped.
Delta Airlines reports one of its pilots got locked inside one of the bathrooms on the plane last week. It caused a security alert when he had trouble getting out. We need to find this bathroom and make sure that the terrorists are seated in it for the entire flight.
Harry Reid said he and Chris Dodd visited Ted Kennedy’s grave at Arlington. He said he recited a poem while Chris Dodd poured single-malt whiskey on the grave. It is the only plot of land in Virginia that’s gone up in value since Obama became president.
Occupy Wall Street protesters vowed to sit-in at Bloomingdale’s and Saks to protest Friday’s sales. This could get ugly. As badly as they reacted last week to pepper spray in California they’ll never make it past the product demonstrators at the perfume counter.
Congressman Barney Frank accused some members of Congress of being vegetables. Is this wise? If Barney Frank accuses some members of Congress of being vegetables he opens himself up to the deduction that some members of Congress are fruits.
© Copyright 2011 Argus Hamilton
