From The Comedy Store
President Obama compared himself to Gandhi and Nelson Mandela in the struggle to bring about change. The comparison is flawed. They spent years in jail before taking political power, while politicians from Chicago do it the other way around.
Tiger Woods was livid over revelations that he nearly quit the PGA tour six years ago to join the Navy SEALs. It wouldn’t have helped his slump. At this point in the match he’d be trailing the fellow who shot Osama bin Laden in the forehead by three holes.
Michael Jordan put his Chicago lakeside house on sale for thirty million. He will never get that price for the mansion. Even though it has fifty-six thousand square feet, nine bedrooms and five fireplaces when you wake up in the morning you’re in Chicago.
Georgetown Law School’s Sandra Fluke testified in Congress that the women in her law school are having so much sex they need federal help buying contraceptives. This idea might help. If the law school would put all the classes on screwing clients into the same semester instead of spreading them out over three years it’d reduce the costs dramatically.
President Obama said that he is proud he doesn’t cheat at golf. He says he doesn’t take mulligans and he putts out every short putt. It takes him so long to play a round of golf that the stock market made it to thirteen thousand while he was away from his desk.
President Obama claimed on ESPN that he knew that New York Knick Jeremy Lin was a future star months before his NBA breakout. He’s quite the seer. He even predicted Solyndra would go bankrupt six months before he decided to give them money.
President Obama compared himself to Gandhi and Nelson Mandela in the struggle to bring about change. The comparison is flawed. They spent years in jail before taking political power, while politicians from Chicago do it the other way around.
President Obama gave a speech to the American Israel Political Action Committee in Washington urging patience with sanctions on Iran. He doesn’t want Israel to worry about Iran getting a nuclear weapon. That’s his job and he is not worried about it.
Los Angeles County Sheriffs reported a steep rise in siphon-hose gasoline robberies last week. Thieves are stealing gas right out of cars that are parked in malls and on the street. The victims say they haven’t felt so robbed since they put the gas into the car.
General Motors halted all Chevy Volt production and laid off twelve hundred workers. The government demanded an explanation. Chevy said it was necessary to close the plant and lay off the autoworkers in order to meet consumer demand for the car.
Vladimir Putin won Russia’s presidential election with sixty-three percent of the vote. He defeated a communist and an oil man. The difference between Russia and the United States is that our next president will be succeeding a communist and an oil man.
Guantanamo prisoners were given a brand-new soccer field for use by the captured terrorists. The prisoners are so distraught. President Obama wants everyone to drive electric cars, eat vegetables and love soccer, and he has no authority over anyone not in federal custody.
President Obama consoled Sandra Fluke about Rush Limbaugh’s rant on her for demanding taxpayer-paid condoms. It’s a controversial subject. Half of America wants to be protected by Barack Obama while the other half want to be protected from Barack Obama.
President Obama spoke at a Mercedes-Benz factory in North Carolina, where a woman fainted as she stood onstage. The president calmly called for a doctor, saying people faint all the time at his events. Unfortunately for the woman, all the doctors got out of the business when the first batch of ObamaCare regulations came out.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton
