The first term of the Obama administration has been a complete failure – a complete failure of Americans to deserve the great president they elected.

President Obama has done everything for you. He spent billions to create you dozens of new green jobs. He’s given you amazing new health care laws. He even wore a flag pin a couple of times, though that had to disgust him. And his poor wife has done all she can to put up with the sight of your fat children waddling around everywhere. And yet you shout and shake your fat fists at him like he’s done something wrong. It reminds me of the end of that one Twilight Zone episode where everyone screams when they see the beautiful woman, because they all have pig faces, and she’s different from them. Well, Obama is the delicate beauty, and you’re all the ugly, pig-faced idiots whose sight should repulse and terrify him.

Just look at the status of things. High unemployment. A sluggish economy teetering on the verge of another recession. A credit downgrade for our country. What a horrifying, stupid mess you’ve made of the past four years, you fat moron slobs.

When Obama took office, he handled everything with such brilliance that it was almost like he was a mystical being – a regular faerie prince. When he saw what a horrible economy he inherited from you fool Americans, he sensibly spent hundreds of billions of dollars in stimulus money. And by his expert analysis, unemployment should have declined to just above 5% by now. So what happened? You globular, lazy, gun-clinging imbeciles didn’t create the jobs you were supposed to!

Obama did the hard part of job creation: He made sure the roads and bridges were built. That’s 90% of the work right there. All you nitwits had to do was remove your fat faces from your tubs of nacho cheese for a few minutes and create a few businesses along those roads. I mean, how hard could that be? It’s something so simple, so elementary, that Obama has never bothered to do it, because it’s so far beneath him – it’s like asking a chess champion to play Candyland. But you didn’t make the jobs, and now you’ve totally ruined his plans. To add insult to injury, he has to listen to you incessantly mewl, “Where are the jobs?” And the kicker is that you don’t even need jobs, because Obama was kind enough to give you more food stamps. You’d all be perfectly fine if you’d give up your weird fetish about working.

Not only did you completely fail at turning Obama’s stimulus into jobs, but in 2010 you elected a bunch of Republicans, destroying Obama’s large majorities in the House and Senate. What kind of cruel joke is that? That’s like surrounding a magnificent unicorn with wretched trolls. How in the world is Obama supposed to do anything when he has to actually work with people who might disagree with him? And whose ridiculous idea was it to make a genius such as Obama first get his plan approved by some other branch of government? People say it’s in the Constitution, which I can’t verify for certain, as I’ve never read it (I don’t read white supremacist propaganda), but who cares what some thousand-year-old document says when we have such a brilliant man trying to transform our country? The fact that the Constitution would ever get in Obama’s way proves that it needs to be chucked, but you all cling to the Constitution like it’s a security blanket, because you really are just a bunch of dumb babies.

This reminds me of the whole contraception controversy. Right now, 30-year-old law students are forced to go to Walgreens and buy their own birth control like common consumers, and Obama just wanted to fix that by forcing Catholic bishops to buy it for them. But then he was plagued by this “freedom of religion” objection. Really? We have iPhones now. Why do we, in this modern age, even still have religion? And when you have a real person, Obama, offering to give you everything you could ever need, why do you still need this God character, anyway?

These past four years have just proven there is no reasoning with you hillbillies. Obama has given speech after speech after speech explaining things to you, but you never get it. Obama is a fragile flower you oafs keep trampling beneath your feet. You just babble things at him like, “You cain’t make peepul buy health inshuranse! It’s unconstitooshunal!” And then you whine about the national debt, when it’s none of your concern anyway – that’s the government’s business. What is it with you people questioning and ruining everything Obama is trying to do?

And now, in the greatest indignity you’ve thus far subjected the patient Obama to, you’re actually pretending you might elect this Mitt Romney goofball in his place? Really? You propose that you’ll actually go to the election booth, jam your sausage fingers at a Diebold machine, and select someone besides the greatest president you’ve ever seen? What farce is this? If there were any justice in the world, Obama would vote whether to keep all of you Americans as his populace. And considering what a failure you’ve been these past four years, you’d want to go ahead and pack your bags, as Obama would instead elect better citizens to lead – ones who wouldn’t question him and would assume the appropriate position by extending their hands to him, ready to receive all that he would give them.

Sadly, that’s not an option. So let’s just quickly reelect Obama, give him back Democrat majorities in Congress who won’t fight with him, and beg his forgiveness. And maybe – just maybe – he’ll stop screaming in terror at your ugly pig faces.

Political satirist Frank J. Fleming is the author of the HarperCollins e-books “How to Fix Everything in America Forever: The Plan to Keep America Awesome” and “Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything.” He also writes columns for the New York Post and PJ Media and posts at his blog IMAO.us. He is the U.S.‘s leading proponent of nuking the moon.